MAY 15, 5:03 P.M.: Let's get back to what Orlando ne'er-do-wells do best: sneaker swiping!
A 12-year-old lad trotted home from middle school this afternoon in the area of West Grove Way and Mallard Pond Court. What he didn't realize is that three or four hooligans were keenly following behind.
When the time was right, the stalkers snuck up behind and laid a helluva smack down on the boy's mug, causing him to fall right on his seventh-grade ass. The trio of yahoos took advantage of that fact and removed a silver Motorola Razor cell phone, worth approximately $300, plus one snazzy pair of "white Airforce One sneakers" from the boy's feet, police reports state.
How much were those sweet feet rides worth? Apparently, not too much, as the pair was recovered a short distance away from the robbery scene.
MAY 15, 6:08 P.M.: An unknown man, approximately 30 years old, got busy in the 600 block of West Central Boulevard this afternoon. First, he scaled the building all the way to the roof. Next he smashed in a southwest skylight and slipped inside. Needless to say we know we're dealing with a sleek, stealthy son of a gun. But what was so worth such perilous, Marvel-style acrobatics?
"The suspect was in the business briefly and left after stealing a small CD boom box from an unknown manufacturer," police reports state. Sounds like a lot of work for such a piece of crap.
Boom box in hand — or resting on shoulder, perhaps — the cat lovin' burglar marched out the front friggin' door and was last spotted heading east on Central.
MAY 16, 9:16 A.M.: Here's more schoolyard fun.
An unidentified person or persons had some crafty plans in mind for a middle school, this one in the 2200 block of West 29th Street. After careful exploration of the school grounds, portable No. 12 was picked and broken into. But our perp or perps graciously decided against pocketing any book bags, rulers or computer monitors.
Instead, the suspect or suspects managed to get a hold of the classroom popsicle stick overstock, then ransack the entire portable by "… laying several popsicle sticks on the classroom floor," police reports state.
The classroom's macaroni noodle overstock and pipe cleaner supply was not tampered with, thank the sweet infant baby Jesus.
MAY 16, 11:50 P.M.: A pack of employees at a popular donut shop in the 4500 block of South Semoran Boulevard had had enough of making and selling gooey, fruit-filled pastries for the day; they were ready to get the hell home. They closed the store for the evening, inhaled a final whiff of coffee bean, and exited via the business' rear door.
They wouldn't get far.
Just seconds after locking up, the crew ran into a couple of bad guys clutching black revolver handguns, wearing Michael Myers masks and dressed in black uniforms from head to toe. Speaking in Spanish accents, the duo of apparently Hispanic Halloween fanatics forced the victims back inside the donut business and demanded they empty the safe with haste while held at gunpoint. Once the dough had been dished over, the masked Myers stayed focused — avoiding the urge to snack on a French Cruller — and stated everyone "had ten minutes to get a car and not to call the police," reports state.
Meanwhile, our suspects carried on by ripping phones out of the walls. "I'm not going to kill you," one of the suspects reassured the frantic baristas. Aww.
The grand finale? The pair got their getaway car and made off with an undisclosed amount of cash, police reports add. No one was injured, and every last éclair was left in pristine condition.
MAY 21, 11:47 A.M.: Close to midnight this black morning, a 99-year-old lady decided she'd best call it a night and hit the sack at her home sweet home in the 500 block of North Hillside Avenue. She was awakened from her serene slumber hours later, and not by the icy hand of death as one might imagine would be the case for a person of this advanced age.
It was approximately 8:30 a.m. when our old lady heard a loud bang, police reports state, but "she believed a tree limb had fallen on the roof and did not investigate." Come 10 a.m., the near-century old female emerged from the covers to relieve her bladder and noticed the rear door on the east side of her house, which is connected to a screened-in porch, was wide open.
It appears a stranger popped by unexpectedly, nosily poking through the top drawer of a dresser inside a closet.
Fortunately, the suspect or suspects had enough decency to understand that stealing an old woman's unmentionables is evil and wrong and could probably get you cursed, or something. They left without taking a firstname.lastname@example.org