APRIL 11, 6:08 A.M.: We start this week off with a rather bizarre burglary of the City Beautiful's property. It was in the 1200 block of Columbia Street — the City of Orlando Parks Department — where an unknown hooligan or hooligans snooped for goods until settling on a 2002 Ford F750 dump truck, white in hue. The suspect or suspects settled for stripping $1,000 worth of wiring from the auto's undercarriage. Whatever floats your boat — or dump truck.
APRIL 11, 6:01 P.M.: A 78-year-old man was chilling at his homestead in the 1100 block of Oxalis Avenue when someone knocked on the door. Opening it would prove to be a huge mistake.
At the other end stood a smiling man and woman with their two bambinos, "described as having Italian accents," police reports state. They weren't selling Girl Scout cookies or promoting Mormonism; they just needed to use the bathroom. Not able to deny a child's bladder-relieving request, the resident said yes and the little girl skipped onward to the porcelain throne while momma, poppa and kid No. 2 hung out in the living room. They shared stories about how "they were thinking about renting the house next door and appreciated his hospitality," reports add.
When the little kid finished tinkling and the family said adieu, however, the homeowner discovered all the drawers opened in two rear rooms. Missing: a diamond wedding band, gold promise ring, ruby ring and $40 from his wallet.
APRIL 11, 10:39 P.M.: Just when you thought O-town's sneaks couldn't get any flakier ….
A 22-year-old man boozed it up at a popular nightclub in the 25 block of West Church Street this Wednesday eve, but grew tired of mingling with the simpletons surrounding him. He pined for VIP status. After slipping into "tubular people zone," police reports state, the man "crawled under the bar, looked around, then removed a bottle of ‘Roberto Cavalli,' placing it under his shirt, crawling under the bar and going to a booth across from this area." Moments later he slithered back under the bar but bumped into a slew of liquor bottles while eyeballing the alcoholic content.
The clumsiness doesn't stop here, though, as he "lost his footing" when creeping back out from underneath the bar, crashing into a booth and knocking over a tray lined with 15 pint glasses, according to police reports. Pretty dorky move, considering we're a "very important person" and all.
Managers detained the ham-handed meathead — who by then had managed to add a bottle of Bacardi and a bottle of Ketel One to the booty pile — upon hearing the commotion. Approximately $120 worth of damage was spawned by the schlemiel.
APRIL 12, 3:22 A.M.: A 54-year-old man finished up work in a restaurant's office in the 120 block of West Church Street in the wee morning hours. All was placid until he heard a "loud bang" out in the restaurant area, police reports state. Perhaps the waiter dropped an armful of dishes? Nein. The reality was much eerier.
An unknown man, approximately 28 years old, was crawling sniper-style on the restaurant floor toward a groovy stereo system. Reports add that the crawling creep wore a black hat, shorts, a black backpack and a camouflage T-shirt, obviously convinced such a crafty getup would make him invisible to the naked eye. Wrong.
He was spotted, indeed, but skedaddled soon after and did successfully disappear on some nearby railroad tracks.
"The witness believes that the suspect may have camped out in the restaurant prior to its closing," police reports state, though the good news is the "suspect did not take anything from the property and there was nothing damaged or disturbed."
APRIL 15, 7 A.M.: Finally we have an unidentified goober or goobers that got the deed done with grace and poise.
The target was the Orlando Sports Complex, nestled in the 970 block of South Rio Grande Avenue. Locked doors were no threat to the suspect or suspects, as locks were sliced open with ease. Time to tote.
The first item on the malicious menu? A toolbox full of assorted handy gadgets, valued at $200 altogether. Not too shabby.
The next item our suspect or suspects could not leave without: $25 worth of garbage bags, though reports do not specify whether they were kitchen or lawn variety bags.
Lastly, a $50 case of toilet paper made the list for our third and final filching treat. Random things to steal, yes, though one must admit that ginormous case of TP is going to go a long way. Very firstname.lastname@example.org