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POLICE BEAT

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;APRIL 5, 7:12 A.M.: Some burglars sure know how to piss kids off.

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;Early this morning, the 40-year-old principal of an elementary school in the 5600 block of Harcourt Avenue was shocked by the remnants of late-night thievery. Portable No. 62 was the unlucky crime spot, where officers recovered "a 2-by-4 piece of wood, roughly 1 foot long," reports state, lying on the floor amidst shards of glass from a smashed classroom window. That's $275 worth of damage already — cash that could've been put toward chocolate milk in the cafeteria.

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;So what did our suspect or suspects unknown end up heisting? No, not physical science books, solar-powered calculators or an atlas of the world. Instead invader(s) snitched a $2,000 Dell computer with a matching tower and keyboard. That means there will be no posting on MySpace from this classroom, which equals very grumpy children.

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;APRIL 5, 7:33 A.M.: Swiping a fourth-grader's only portal to the Internet is pretty low, this author believes, but breaking into a house of God is lower still.

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;The unholy burglar or burglars at hand today broke into a church in the 2800 block of Orange Center Boulevard by creeping through a shattered window. The good news is that the parish-thieving perp or perps didn't lay a finger on any Bibles, hymnbooks or holy water. Our burglar(s) felt compelled to break into the church for two quite shitty items, instead: a $10 utility knife and a 22-ounce hammer, valued at $50 big ones.

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;"The unknown person(s) went into the kitchen and left a half-eaten muffin in the refrigerator," police reports add. All of us who have watched CSI know what that means: DNA evidence! This perp is as good as caught.

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;APRIL 7, 1:07 A.M.: Orlando's criminal element took a break from stealing from kids and God today, instead focusing their energy on a hot little spot called Bargain World in the 6500 block of International Drive. Who could resist?

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;Wooden panels, hammers and unknown objects weren't used to crush a business window this time, however; our suspect or suspects wanted to make things a little more creative. One smooth billiard ball, in fact, was pitched into the glass window at a cost of $300 in damage. Later that morning, police reports add, "Officer Lanfersiek responded to the Lucky Leprechaun, located at 7032 International Drive, where he was advised of a missing billiard ball." Hmmm.

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;As far as the Bargain World heist goes, 46-year-old general manager Farooq Ali Syed could not provide a list of all the missing merchandise at the current time, reports state. This author's willing to bet at least one Minnie Mouse key chain and five for $10 Florida T-shirts embossed with flamingos, oranges and space shuttles made that list.

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;APRIL 7, 8:08 A.M.: A popular rent-to-own business in the 4300 block of Clarcona Ocoee Road fell victim to crime sometime after employees headed home this evening. This time a handleless hammer was hurled into the window, creating $1,000 worth of damage before the pilfering even commenced.

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;But these criminals were not sated by that hole; they wanted another. And so they employed a friggin' blowtorch to burn a rear door, which was then pried open. Check out the list of what they snatched and it's clear why they needed a bigger exit: seven LCD TVs worth about $2,000 each, a desktop computer valued at $1,500, a laptop computer valued at $1,800 and three to four computer monitors valued at about $500 each were carted off, reports state.

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;Let's hope someone plans on returning those rented goods.

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;APRIL 9, 8:15 A.M.: Fried chicken drove some unknown suspect or suspects to do dirty things last week, and the same greasy goodness swayed criminal types to do the same this week at the same poultry joint in the 400 block of South Orange Blossom Trail.

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;According to police reports, it appears as if the burglar or burglars "pushed in" the glass from the drive-through window, consequently crawling through the narrow entryway like an expert spelunker. The boneless chicken wings and frozen buffalo strips were avoided altogether this time, however. Even those irresistible snacker sandwiches were spared. What did the bad people want? Cash, of course. In fact, the exact same amount as last week — 100 bucks — was taken from a register.

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;What else does this week's incident have in common with last week's? Police reports add, "The complainant further stated that the evening crew had not set the alarm to the business." Did they forget to fire the ding-dong who didn't lock the doors last week?

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