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POLICE BEAT

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MARCH 8, 7:01 A.M.: Sometime between when a construction crew headed home at night and arrived back on the McCoy Road job site the next day, an unknown suspect or suspects broke through the gate to the fenced-in area that housed valued construction goodies. Reports state that officers noted "400 gallons of diesel fuel missing from the fuel tank along with a fuel pump."

Although the gate will only cost $15 to repair, that precious diesel is valued at 1,000 big ones, and the fuel pump will cost $270 to replace.

MARCH 8, 7:35 A.M.: You got it: More smashing and swindling occurred the same day, this time at a beauty supply shop in the 6200 block of West Sand Lake Road. But the beauty-store booty was anything but predictable. After shattering the glass front door, our suspect or suspects bypassed all aisles stacked with balms, waxing instruments and nail lacquer. What could be deemed worthier than an eight-hour face-lift in a bottle, you wonder?

Candy. Police reports state that a candy machine was extracted from the front of the business, and nothing else appears to be missing. Reports do not state, however, what variety of sweet treat the suspect(s) could not resist. Peanut M&M's? Plain gumballs? We'll never know, but that confection dispenser, along with its decadent contents, is going to cost $300 to replace. The bashed-in door, $400 more. Not so sweet.

MARCH 9, 7:13 A.M.: Some hoodlums pride themselves on stealing valuable loot. Others prefer vandalizing vehicles with nonsensical phrases.

This vandalism spree began, police reports state, with an unknown person or persons equipped with spray-paint cans, this time raiding a condo complex at the 4800 block of Cypress Woods Drive. There, the perpetrator(s) painted a building with the following phrase: "MOBB SET, HOT BOYZ, FUCK CRABS." Confused? Read on.

"The S in the word SET and CRABS looked like a money `dollar` symbol," police reports say, and "the C on the word CRABS looked like a money cent sign." Pretty original stuff, but the savvy graffiti artwork doesn't stop here.

The suspect(s) went on to spray-paint a number of vehicles with all kinds of other random crap, like "… squiggly lines on top of the spoiler with black spray paint and squiggly lines on the driver's side of the vehicle, which looked similar to ocean waves," reports state. The suspect(s) then branded another car with "fuck the car" and "bitch." Reports add that a 2002 Chevrolet Prizm was tainted with a "FUCK CRABS" — cent sign and all — and a 2005 Acura TSX was simply labeled "fuck." Ouch.

Before fleeing the scene, our obviously angered suspect(s) took a pair of pants, a pair of shorts, a T-shirt and a CD, coated them all with a "clear jelly substance" and set them on fire, reports state. Think this might have been the work of a bitter ex infested with an STD? It's possible.

MARCH 12, 9:01 P.M.: If the above items led you to believe that all criminals are just deranged dipshits, here is evidence that some are, in fact, kinda decent.

A 21-year-old man delivering pizzas was driving through an apartment complex in the 5900 block of Folkstone Lane when he got lost. After turning around and driving in the opposite direction, he pinpointed the correct residence but also ran into a duo of dudes — each approximately 20 to 22 years of age — hanging out on a playground. They approached the deliveryman the second he stepped out of the vehicle.

A semiautomatic pistol was produced, allowing these robbers to relieve the delivery guy of $60 cash and a wad of credit card receipts from the evening's transactions. They swiped a pack of cancer sticks from his front cargo pocket and demanded his wallet too, which the deliveryman was able to salvage after proving he had no cash inside said wallet.

The deliveryman "advised he continued the delivery to the customer's house," reports state, meaning those hooligans were at least considerate enough to leave the pie out of it, although it's likely they regretted that hasty move.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one dedicated pizza driver.

MARCH 13, 4:13 A.M.: Boredom and a craving are to blame for the burglary of a gas station in the 900 block of South Orange Avenue.

This guy didn't waste any time breaking into the station. According to police reports, he took a single brick and hurled it into the glass door with brute force. That activated the alarm, causing the suspect to get right to work. In a minute, according to the surveillance video, this rebel managed to stuff an undetermined amount of cigarette cartons into a black garbage bag. Much like the aforementioned meanies, this nicotine-nicking suspect apparently had no appetite for anything but the smokes, and by golly, he got 'em.

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