DEC. 7, 7:54 A.M.: An unknown suspect or suspects broke into a glass business in the 1100 block of South Rio Grande Avenue this December morn. Point of entry: a window along the building's north side, which our perplexing perp(s) crawled into with the help of a boosting chair.
Inside the evildoer(s) spotted a $2,400 generator and a 5.5 horsepower Troy-Bilt lawnmower, valued at 350 bucks, chained together. These fine pieces of machinery were begging for a boosting, as they were hastily extracted from the business' bay. Burglars also helped themselves to a fancy-schmancy $600 trimmer and a leaf blower.
Who could have performed such a shameful pilfering spree? Well, it looks like this may have been an inside job. Police reports state that "one of the employees is known to have a lawn service business on the side" and "all of the lawn equipment was brand-new and recently purchased." How coincidental.
Reports also mention that throughout the burglary process, "The suspect(s) ran over a PVC pipe … for the septic tank," which is just plain shitty.
DEC. 14, 8:15 P.M.: The Christmas season truly does drive some citizens to make crazy choices.
On this Thursday, the 49-year-old manager of a hotel in the 5400 block of Forbes Place was walking around his joint just checking things out. He passed by a privately owned postage-stamp machine within the hotel and suddenly halted. Something was not right.
Sure enough, closer inspection revealed that the postage- producing apparatus had been pried open with a flat, bladed object that sounds a heck of a lot like a knife to this columnist. Whatever it was, the mean-looking tool was left inside the machine, perhaps planted purposely for some stamp- seeking tourist to stumble upon and be greatly disturbed by. Of course, postage was pilfered, too. Four hundred dollars worth of stamps, coins and cash were discreetly picked out of the machine.
So we have a couple of options here:
No. 1: Someone was seriously stressed about the cost and effort involved in mailing Christmas cards and boxed gifts to friends and family this year. Hour-long lines at the post office? Forget it, sucka.
No. 2: We have one no-bullshit philatelist on our hands. Yes, a postage-matter maniac who's so devoted to the hobby he really must collect them all. And that's downright nerdy, folks.
DEC. 15, 11:36 A.M.: A woman, 52 years of age, locked and secured the main office of a primarily residential enrichment center in the 1400 block of Mercy Drive Dec. 14 before heading out. But when she returned, she'd be greeted with an unappetizing surprise.
A mystery man or woman — perhaps both, even — smashed the office window with an "unknown object," police reports state. A beefy rock? A bowling ball? No one knows. Whatever tool our suspect(s) employed, access was granted.
Once inside, all clerical goods and supplies that other hooligans might've deemed worthy — telephones, keyboards, computers — were ignored. Instead, the perp(s) managed to pry open a locked cabinet containing the prize loot: nonperishable food items.
The ne'er-do-well(s) laid eyes on an array of Hormel treats — chunky meat chili, hash and Spam, maybe — and other potted vittles. Approximately $150 worth of the nonperishable tasties were removed from the secret stash.
And here this columnist has to note that jacking canned goods from an enrichment center is pretty damn low, no matter how much you like Spam.
DEC. 19, 8:26 A.M.: Another day, another idiot attempting to swipe coins from an apartment-complex laundry.
This morning, Officer Weyland reports that an unknown suspect or suspects entered the laundry room of an apartment complex in the 700 block of South Ivey Lane. Per the usual, our perp(s) tinkered with the washing machines and tried gaining access to those shiny round bijoux known as quarters. When success did not occur, "the suspect(s) ripped the face of the machine off," reports state. Ouch.
The pained washing machine was flipped over on its side WWE-style, causing the hot- and cold-water hoses to rip from the wall, before the suspect(s) fled. The result? Spewing water and lots of flooding.
Reports add that it will cost approximately $300 to replace the machine and $100 to fix the flooded floor. Losing a day full of customers who didn't get to launder their Underoos, however, is probably much more firstname.lastname@example.org