NOV. 27, 7:35 A.M.: Couldn't the bad guys at least wait until Christmas break to burglarize Central Florida's schools?
Officer Mike Ross reports that 15 portable classrooms at an elementary school in the 5600 block of Harcourt Avenue were broken into by an unknown person or persons. The hooligan(s) gained entry by "knocking the outside door handle downward, which broke the lock," reports state. After marring $3,000 worth of locks, the following gems were swiped, in no particular order: a pair of fire extinguishers, which were sprayed in two classrooms, a computer, a DVD player, multiple CD players, one set of headphones, a tape recorder and $20 worth of miscellaneous candy for the road.
This is the second weekend and the third time in six weeks that the elementary school in question has been broken into, the report adds. Let's do the math. Fifteen locks smashed by whacking doorknobs downward? And we're going on strike three here? Time for sturdier door handles, amigos.
NOV. 28, 7:31 P.M.: The following incident proves that women will indeed go to any lengths for that killer handbag.
A 50-year-old tourist from Washington was enjoying the City Beautiful's warmish winter climate while walking outside a store in the 5400 block of Touchstone Drive. All was peachy until she felt a tug near her shoulder and realized another woman, approximately 20, was yanking at her black purse.
"What the hell are you doing?" our victim blurted.
And here's where it gets weird. The would-be thief did not reply, "Stealing your satchel, dumbass." Instead, she produced a pair of orange-handled scissors and began giggling — yes, hee-hawing like a madwoman — while plunging the blades in midair at the tourist. The scissors, our victim told the cops, "were not close enough to hurt her," and the crazed lady skedaddled with her slicing tool after a few more fun jabs.
She may still be out there, folks, lurking on O-town streets, scissors in hand, tittering like a maniac. And that's just scary.
NOV. 29, 5:13 A.M.: Here's a sorry tale. Early this morning a man, 26, was walking along Tampa Avenue underneath the State Road 408 overpass. Where was he headed? Not sure.
As he trudged along at twilight, an old green Dodge Intrepid came to a halt smack dab in the middle of the street. Another man, approximately 20 years of age, stepped out of the vehicle and walked toward our trekker. He revealed a handgun, pointed it at the streetwalker and demanded he surrender all of his belongings, or else. Logically, the victim cooperated, giving up 13 bucks stuffed in his front pants pocket and a yellow backpack he'd been lugging. Unfortunately for our gun-toting suspect, all he'd be gaining from that pack would be a $45 pair of Reebok sneakers, either 12 or 13 in size. He took the tennies, hopped back in the car and sped off.
Is that what this sick world is coming to? Now men and women with wheels are raiding the streets, stopping only to heist shoes from innocent passers-by? Despicable.
NOV. 30, 7:07 A.M.: A new morning, a new opportunity for plunder. This time an unknown suspect or suspects broke into the fenced-in playground area at a Baptist church in the 10 block of South Goldwyn Avenue, located approximately 500 feet east of the children's ministry. In case you're wondering what one might possibly want to jack from a church playground, the answer is a Gem 825 golf cart.
The ne'er-do-well(s) mounted the $10,000 golf cart, capable of speeding up to 35 mph, according to www.egemcars.com, rode off into the sunrise and eventually dumped the pricy machinery in a body of water at 650 West Lake Mann Drive. A resident in the area relates that "she heard noises and what sounded like a group of teenagers outside her building," reports state.
Is that what teenagers consider a good time these days? Taking a golf cart — which in this case might as well be property of God, mind you — for a joy ride at 7 a.m.? The vehicle was recovered, although it sustained $2,000 worth of damages.
DEC. 3, 10:08 A.M.: Fortunately, not all burglars require $10,000 golf carts. The needs of a special few can be satisfied with chocolates.
After renting a baseball field for a day in the 2200 block of Lee Road, a woman, 45, noticed a shattered window at the park's concession stand. Being a good citizen, she called the coppers, who promptly investigated the scene. Sure enough, some unknown evildoer or evildoers had crept in and "removed an undetermined amount of individually wrapped Reese's cups," the police report states. "It must be noted that there are bars securing the window and no one was able to climb through the window," reports add.
What a mystery we have here. Either this is one emaciated perp, or someone's extraordinarily savvy with a fishing pole. Regardless, there's no doubt about one thing: This infiltrator has a hankering for those two great tastes that taste great firstname.lastname@example.org