NOV. 1, 5 P.M.: The thievery began this autumn afternoon when an unknown person or persons gained entry to a warehouse in the 60 block of West Concord Street via a bathroom window. Officer Stanaland responded promptly when notified the next day, but by then it was too late, as the swag had already been heisted.
In total, two gas cans, one battery charger and a circular saw were extracted, valued at $30. Escape could have easily been satisfied through the same bathroom window with not-so-bountiful booty in hand, had it not been for the eyeballing of a lone forklift that lured our suspect(s) into a manlier plan of action. Yes, you guessed it: Freedom was gained by hopping onboard the industrial getaway-mobile and hauling open a bay door — the result of having watched entirely too much MacGyver in the '80s, no doubt.
Such a crafty getaway set the warehouse back 3,000 clams this time.
NOV. 2, 8:40 P.M.: The following robbery proves that beauty doesn't always lead to pain.
A 57-year-old man avoided chemical fumes and patiently waited for his wife while she had her nails manicured at a salon in the 4300 block of Clarcona Ocoee Road. Placidity ceased, however, when three male suspects between the youthful ages of 15 and 18 approached the mellow mister.
"Give me the phone and your money," the hoodie-sporting suspects demanded.
A defiant "no" uttered by the husband triggered suspect numero uno to slip his hand into a pocket, leading our victim to believe that the lad's fingers were not merely chilly, but on their way to extract a gun. Could this be the end? Shot in a shopping plaza while the wifey's cuticles are clipped and nipped? No, thanks to the employee of a Chinese restaurant next door.
This brave soul put a halt to potential bloodshed by retrieving his own weapon from within the fortune-cookie confines. The trio of delinquents then scrammed, likely lacking any appetite for pork fried rice.
NOV. 3, 3 P.M.: Apparently, it doesn't take much to satisfy a burglar's wants these days.
An unknown suspect or suspects lingering in the 5800 block of Covington Cove Way needed something to do, and fast. Nothing of substance came to mind, obviously, because the suspect(s) chose to break into a virtually vacant house under construction. After realizing there wasn't much worth pocketing from this desolate shell of a home, the suspect(s) scooted; but not before pocketing six doorknobs, valued at $183.91. Let's hope those come in handy, and let's hope those delinquents learned a lesson: If you're going to break into a quasi-constructed home, at least wait until the major appliances have arrived.
NOV. 4, 2:30 P.M.: Variety is the spice of life when it comes to burglary, as demonstrated by the following perp(s).
The monotony of stolen doorknobs would not suffice this weekend — oh, no. Our suspect(s) began the spree by breaking into an automotive repair shop in the 30 block of Drennen Road. Inside the main office, a silver boom box resting atop a bookcase, five $1 bills and $5 worth of coins were deemed worthy of purloining. But this was simply the warmup.
Breaking into numerous vehicles of the same variety would prove too ordinary a task for the suspect(s). Instead, the following were ransacked, in no particular order: a 30-foot Bayliner pleasure boat, a 2006 Tundra camper, a green Chevy pickup truck and a white Chevrolet van. Had there been any golf carts, taxicabs or school buses present, perhaps the perp(s) would have continued hunting.
But hunting for what? Nothing, evidently. After much prying and smashing, the vehicular invasion revealed no additional goods worth grabbing, although a wicker basket was rummaged through inside the camper's kitchen.
Let's hope the boom box was sweet.
NOV. 4, 8 P.M.: Likely exhausted from hours of kneading dough, stuffing pastries and icing layers of spongy cake, the employees of a local bakery in the 1300 block of West Washington Street headed home for an evening of rest.
Coast now clear, a criminal element got to work. The shop's doors and windows were locked and closed, leaving the invader(s) no choice but to pry open a side door. Once inside, the cash register drawer was opened with haste, but alas, found vacant of greenbacks. Bypassing a plethora of pastries and sweets, a single brown paper bag was snatched, containing $45 worth of loose change from the register. Fair enough, the suspect(s) might've concluded, fleeing the scene via the same point of entry and morphing into the dark night air.
All right, seriously, who breaks into a bakery without snagging at least one muffin? A single chocolate-chip cookie? A friggin' doughnut! We applaud your resistance, but on the other hand, do not approve of the firstname.lastname@example.org