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Sept. 24, 7:31 A.M.: When papers and pipes won't do, it's time for a bong. Officer Vick was dispatched to the 6500 block of International Drive in reference to a commercial burglary. The officer met with a 71-year-old witness, who was walking from her hotel room to the bus stop when she saw a broken window at a tattoo parlor and called police. The 36-year-old complainant was notified and arrived on the scene; she told police she was unaware the window was broken and relayed that "the tattoo shop closed at midnight on Sept. 24 and everything was OK," reports state.

Vick's investigation revealed that suspect(s) unknown chucked a chunk of concrete through the window, reached in, snatched a $100 water bong and fled the scene. Very uncool. Damage to the window is estimated at $200.


Sept. 24, 8:58 A.M.: When there are bars on the windows and cages on the doors, how does one break in? Through the wall, of course.

A pawn shop on the 3100 block of South Orange Avenue got a new entrance installed overnight when suspect(s) unknown smashed a hole in the wall with a sledgehammer he/she/they/it left at the scene. Officer Smith was dispatched to investigate and at 9:45 a.m. met with the 39-year-old complainant who called in the incident. The officer's investigation revealed the suspect(s) broke a $1,500 hole in the south side of the building and extracted a small safe that contained "at least five antique handguns which are all functional, gold coins, scrap gold, silver coins, diamonds, personal jewelry and approximately $17,000 in cash," reports state. The suspect(s) also stole a Savage .270 rifle before hopping a fence to escape in an unknown direction.

A K-9 unit was dispatched to locate the pilferer's trail, and tracked the scent "to where a vehicle had been parked," reports state.

The 40-year-old owner/victim strolled onto the scene around 10:30 a.m. and told police: "ADT `alarm company` called him on 23 Sept. at 2340 hours and on 24 Sept. at 215 hours. Both times ADT advised Kyle that they were receiving a fire alarm. `The victim` requested that ADT verify the alarm because he does not have a fire alarm service," reports state. Oops. The owner conducted a quick inventory and told police two rifles and five handguns were stolen (totaling $4,700); also, he relayed that there may have been more firearms stolen, but he wouldn't know for sure until he did a thorough inventory.

Luckily, about a week ago the victim had surveillance cameras installed that caught the suspect on tape.


Sept. 25, 8:18 A.M.: Officer Yuhas gets the oddest calls. Let us be the first to thank you for your diligent efforts investigating the anomalous, Officer.

This week, Yuhas was dispatched to the 3700 block of L.B. McLeod regarding a commercial burglary. The 36-year-old complainant notified police that some time between 5 p.m., Sept. 24, and 8 a.m., Sept. 25, suspect(s) unknown cut a $500 hole through the fence and snagged nine evaporator cores — a seemingly precise strike, because nothing else appeared to be disturbed or missing. The victim will send police the serial numbers of the cores when he obtains them. Total estimated value of the stolen items: $13,500.

But now we learn that the suspect(s) may not have really scored: According to the police report, "`The victim` stated that the evaporator coils were approximately 3 feet by 4 feet in size and had been removed from the buses due to a factory recall."


Sept. 26, 2:08 A.M.: Officers Fernandez and Capece were dispatched to the Bong Spirit Import Company in the 600 block of West Michigan Street in reference to a commercial burglary and found the front gate to the establishment was derailed and flopped on the ground. Do we have a serial bong thief on our hands, in this case one desirous of imported liquor in a bong-shaped bottle?

Nah. It appears one of the 46-year-old store owner's employees had her vehicle broken into while it was parked in the company's lot. Rather than call the police on the spot and report the break-in, the victim fled the scene in her vehicle. Which is odd; but what's even weirder is the fact that the victim refused the owner when he asked her to return the vehicle to the scene so the officers could complete their investigation. What was stolen? The report does not reflect.

The complainant wishes to prosecute if the perp(s) are found and he was issued a Victim's Rights Booklet. Perhaps he can drape that between the poles until he gets his gate fixed.

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