June 9, 4:09 p.m.: Some people will do just about anything to get their daily dose of Internet porn. Officer Jones responded to the Eminent Domain Law Offices on the 900 block of Bradshaw Trail in reference to a commercial burglary. He met with the 44-year-old complainant, who discovered that some atypical activity had happened in his absence. It appears that sometime between 6:30 p.m. June 8 and 4 p.m. June 9, unknown perp(s) entered "the unlocked office building" via the "back door," reports state.
After gaining easy entry, the perp(s) "rummaged through the desk drawers and downloaded various pornographic websites on the desktop computer." The report states "Nothing else appeared to be missing or disturbed," but it might be prudent to flash a black light in the area to ensure the perv(s) didn't leave anything behind.
June 10, 7:32 a.m.: Officer Nazario was dispatched to Chillers Bar on the 30 block of West Church Street in reference to a commercial burglary. He met with our 45-year-old complainant, the cleaning dude, to investigate a possible break-in. The complainant explained that upon his 5 a.m. arrival to perform cleaning duties, there were three members of the management staff on hand until 6 a.m.; he continued cleaning Chillers and then pursued his mission at the neighboring bar, Antigua. When he returned to Chillers just after 7 a.m., he found that someone had busted the front door window and the upper doorframe in his absence. Pissed that someone made a mess where he'd just cleaned, he called police and the bar's manager. Total damage was estimated at $500.
It should be noted, according to police reports, "it did not appear that entry was made. Nothing was disturbed or missing inside the business." Bizarre. Perhaps the perp wasn't trying to get in, but to escape.
June 11, 2:47 p.m.: "Guard human": It's the new guard dog. A "commercial alarm" sounded on the 2500 block of Kunze Avenue and officer Cunnard was dispatched to investigate. He met with the 27-year-old complainant and found the "alarm proved to be false." But it wasn't a wasted trip. As it turned out, the complainant wanted to report a break-in that had happened earlier that morning.
The business, nestled in a complex of other buildings, is surrounded by a 6-foot chain link fence, has closed-circuit cameras monitoring the premises, and has an alarm system to keep potential criminals at bay. The fence did not stop the perp, nor did the cameras, and the alarm didn't sound until seven hours later; it was the guy sleeping in the compound who the perp woke up that stopped him. The complainant told Cunnard that his company's owners authorize a transient to sleep on the property. At 7 a.m. the 50-year-old witness was awakened by a cacophony of breaking glass.
The witness followed the sound and found "an unknown black male breaking into the electrical service trucks," reports state. The perp "used a large piece of concrete to smash the back door window on four separate vans," valued at $400 each, according to police reports. The witness screamed at the suspect, which startled him into fleeing the scene, hopping the fence and running away. The witness does not have access to the building and does not have a cell phone, so he was unable to notify police at the time of the incident. Thanks to our heroic, but cell phone—less transient, it appears the would-be thief left empty-handed. Total estimated damages to vehicles: $1,600.
June 12, 7:06 a.m.: Even if your OCD-like impulses drive you to twist your doorknob five times before you leave — to be sure it's locked — it doesn't necessarily mean your stuff is safe. Officer Vick responded to the 5300 block of Cypress Creek Boulevard, the site of the new Saddler/Shingle Creek Elementary School, in reference to a commercial burglary. He met with the 43-year-old complainant, who stated that he left the construction trailer the night before at around 5:30 p.m. "after loading his car and checking the doors to make sure the trailer was secured," reports state. When he returned to work the next morning, he discovered person(s) unknown had removed his Compaq laptop computer, a computer hard drive with keyboard and mouse, an Emerson VCR, $250 in petty cash, six $50 gift certificates to Home Depot and a Dewalt cordless drill.
If he locked the place up and double-checked it the night before, how did the perp(s) get in? According to Vick's report, "investigation revealed the point of entry was an unlocked window."
The value of each stolen item — besides the $250 in cash and $300 in gift certificates — is $1 until personnel at "corporate headquarters" contact the complainant with cost information and serial numbers. Double firstname.lastname@example.org