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PROMISES, PROMISES

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Just like restraining orders, New Year's resolutions were; made to be broken. But that's no reason to doubt the sincerity of any of the promises on my latest list. With God as my witness, in 2006 …

• I will spend more time with family and friends. Just not necessarily my own.

• I will make less time for frivolous pursuits, like jury; duty, and more time for activities that can truly contribute to my personal growth, like watching The War at Home.

• I will renew my commitment to charity by donating my used porn to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Godspeed, brothers and sisters.

• This is the year I finally get fit and trim. I am purging my kitchen of carbs, sugar, red meat and dairy products and subsisting entirely on a diet of cocaine.

• I will catch up on my reading, but only of books written from the perspective of a murdered 14-year-old. Can't go too crazy with this egghead stuff.

• As a way of injecting a thrilling element of chance into my life, I will play the lottery at least once a week and forgo contraception at least three times a month.

• To celebrate my fifth year as a reformed smoker, I will resume smoking. I will, however, give up my part-time job promoting Camel products at elementary schools. Because it takes a village.

• You know that thing you can do where you pretend your; car is a taxi, pick up an unsuspecting Bolivian tourist along I-Drive and; subject him to 72 straight hours of terror in the maintenance shed behind your apartment complex? Not going to do it anymore.

• More complaining! More complaining from me!

• In order to strengthen my connection to the "little; people," I will prune any and all 50-buck words from my editorial copy and; start communicating in terms anyone can understand. Like saying "clusterfuck" instead of "bipartisan initiative."

• Orlando is becoming quite the exciting melting pot of; cultures, so this is the year I finally buckle down and learn the language of our proud neighbors, the Klingons.

• I will pick a church that matches my spiritual outlook; and start attending regularly, because I hear the twat in those places is out of this world.

• I say it every year, but in 2006, I'm really going to; get organized. I will clean my office once every fortnight, come up with a; logical filing system for my DVDs and assign individual names to my many lesions.

• I'm also going to recognize my responsibilities as a; higher life form by spending more time looking after helpless animals, like stray dogs and stage actors.

• I will make a hefty donation to my old university,; perhaps even outdoing my generous pledges of 2004 and 2005. I will also set up a payment plan to begin fulfilling my pledges of 1998 and 1999.

• I'm finally going to put some pictures of actual; relatives on my desk, because that autographed photo of Robert Blake is getting to be a pain in the ass to explain.

• One way or another, I will get back the money I wasted on those CPR classes.

• Before the year is out, I will find 101 new uses for tofu, many of them legal.

• I need to make more lists.

• I will start paying attention to my orthodontist, my; performance coach and that bellboy who tried to warn me my "escort" was a man. Stupid!

• I will survive. Because as long as I know how to love,; I know I'm still alive. I've got all my life to live and I've got all my love to give. And I'll survive.

• Hey, hey.

• I will join the ACLU and quit the Teamsters.

• I should probably start thinking about an eye tuck.

• I will take up a fun, rewarding hobby that's in no way related to my job, like creative writing.

• I will make good on a longstanding vow and erase all my debts. As soon as I can decide who gets whacked first.

• Family's a big deal to me, so I resolve to strengthen; ties with my many cherished relations, including all my cousins and whatever gold-digging whores they may have married since I turned 5.

• In a spirit of liberal tolerance, I will stop making; fun of minority groups who lack the resources to defend themselves, like; Korean-Americans and the Black Irish. But if the Lebanese want to play rough, then bring it on!

;• My last resolution outranks and outweighs all the; others: I will start seeing myself the way I want others to see me. I will; stand up straight. I will speak clearly and confidently. I will exfoliate; regularly. In all ways, I will carry myself like a mature and responsible; person who deserves the utmost respect. And I will never, ever tip for a less than happy ending.

sschneider@orlandoweekly.com

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