I am a 31-year-old single woman living in LA, and I’m on OkCupid. I’ve gotten a number of unicorn requests. I’ve never responded – until the other day.
One unicorn request stood out. I wrote back. They seem like cool, smart, interesting people. Their profile is funny and they’re quite attractive! And here I am, not doing anything else or anyone else … and I’m thinking … this could be cool. It could be an awesome experience. But I have some concerns.
1) Uh ... what now? I gave them my number, but I can’t say that I’m definitely a YES on this. I’m also not a no. What now? We meet for drinks? Then what?
2) I’ve never even had a one-night stand. I’ve pretty much always had boyfriends. I don’t know what my question is here, it’s just something I’ve been turning over in my head. I just don’t want to feel like a hooker! (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sex worker!)
3) I’m not bi. I don’t say that I’m bi on my OKC profile. I cannot imagine a scenario in which I would want to put my face in someone’s twat. But I don’t think I have any issue with being on the receiving end. I’ve done the college playing-around-with-girls – topless makeouts for a boyfriend’s viewing pleasure – but nothing crazy.
I think, if I meet them, and if it goes well, I should ask them what their thoughts are about this, if they’ve done it before, what their boundaries are, etc. I would confirm that if anyone feels uncomfortable everyone involved has the green light to call a stop to the whole thing. I’d also lay out my limitation with regard to the wife.
Should I go for it? What should I do or say?
Future Unicorn Nervously Guessing At Logistics
1) Meet, have drinks and talk, FUNGAL – and be sure to tell that nice, funny, attractive couple everything you’ve told us. And then do what any sane person would do: Fuck ’em if it feels right, don’t if it doesn’t.
2) Refuse to accept money in exchange for sex and you won’t be a sex worker. (Not that there’s anything wrong with being a sex worker.) And if you’ve only ever had sex in the context of a relationship, FUNGAL, and if you want it to stay that way, then make that clear to the nice couple. Developing a relationship with you is a requirement before you can all jump into bed together. And they’ll probably be up for it, as most couples who are out there looking for unicorns are seeking a regular, reliable third – someone they see again and again, someone they can get to know better and come to trust and rely on. A couple with a regular third that they’re emotionally invested in may not be what comes to mind when people hear the word “relationship,” but it is a relationship, and it can be a fun and rewarding one.
3) Again, tell this couple everything you’ve told us. The only reason you hesitate is that you fear rejection. Your fear is thoroughly common, completely understandable and totally irrational. I mean, think about it: The reason you’re hesitating to tell them that you’re not bisexual is that you worry you’ll be rejected. What if you’re not what they want? But if they have their hearts set on a unicorn that wants to go facedown in twat, then you’re the wrong unicorn for them. More importantly, they’re the wrong couple for you. Better to have a nice, clean, honest rejection over cocktails than to find yourself in bed being pressured to do something you don’t wanna do.
Straight couples looking for a bi female third call that person a “unicorn,” a mythical beast, because bi females open to playing with straight/bi couples are so damn rare. What do gay couples looking for a third call the beasts they seek?
Frustrated Longtime Unicorn Seekers Taking Early Retirement
We gays don’t have a special term for a guy open to sleeping with a male couple. But if we were going to give that guy an affectionate nickname, FLUSTER, I would go with “horse.” Because a horse, while a magnificent and majestic beast in its own right, is a whole lot easier to come by – and in and on and over – than one of those nearly-impossible-to-find bi female unicorns.
I’m a producer with a Chicago-based production company started by a handful of former Oprah producers. We specialize in developing unscripted/reality-show concepts. We are thinking of producing a show about unicorns, those bisexual women who wish to be “thirds,” and I thought you could possibly help us find to women who identify as unicorns and could be potential characters. I look forward to hearing from you!
Hoping Unicorns Not Television Averse
You have two hurdles to clear, HUNTA, as you’re not just looking for unicorns, which are hard enough to find, but for unicorns who want to go on television and talk about being unicorns. (And you’ll probably want telegenic unicorns, too, which would be hurdle number three.) But I’m here to help: On the off chance that there are any telegenic unicorns out there reading this who want to be on TV – or any women who want to be on TV so badly that they’ll pretend to be unicorns – send me an email with “TV Unicorn” in the subject line, and I will forward your email on to the unicorn HUNTA.
Dear Readers: There was a little miscommunication during the production of last week’s column – and the fault was entirely mine. Elder sex expert Joan Price advised Old But Alive, a reader hoping to arrange a threesome with a female cousin, to hang out in lesbian bars to find a third. I advised OBA to ignore that aspect of Price’s otherwise excellent advice, since there’s nothing lesbians hate more than opposite-sex couples trolling dyke bars. But here’s the thing: Price didn’t think she was advising an opposite-sex couple to hang out in lesbian bars. She thought OBA and his cousin were both women. I knew that OBA was a man because I saw OBA’s email address and his name. I don’t pass along names and email addresses when I share questions with guest experts, so Price didn’t have that information in front of her. I should’ve made it clear to Price that OBA was a man – at the very least I should’ve checked in with Price before rapping her knuckles for appearing to advise an opposite-sex couple to cruise a lesbian bar. My apologies to Price!