My boyfriend refuses to have any kind of intercourse with me while my Aunt Flo is visiting. I'm not asking to have sex on my heavy days, just at the beginning and tail ends of my period. He says it's disgusting, even if he wears a condom, and that it makes his stomach turn to even think about it. I find this terribly frustrating because my period lasts a good 10 days (according to his definition), and I have to go without any loving the whole time. And yet he expects me to blow him on a regular basis during that time. I love him, and I'd rather not DTMFA over this. What can I do?
Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return
Only blow him on days when he hasn't used his penis to urinate.
Because really, AFTER, how can he ask you to suck cock on days when pee comes out of his thing? That's even more disgusting than a little blood on the condom. And any guy who can't handle a little bit of blood shouldn't be asking his girlfriend to ingest whatever trace amounts of urine might be lurking in his urethra. But if he wants you to blow him — to keep him content during your period — then he needs to find a way to do the same for you. If he can't bring himself to fuck you during your period, then at the very least he can help you get off with a vibrator, or engage in outercourse with you, or mutual masturbation, or eat your pussy through a wad of Saran Wrap. If he won't do any of it, reconsider DTMFA.
I thought I knew what tea-bagging meant: to dip a man's testicles in and out of your mouth. But during a recent conversation about the Republican tea-bagging craze, my boyfriend told me that tea-bagging meant to put your balls into someone else's mouth. An Internet search turns up both definitions. So, Dan, I'm asking you — as an expert on all things both political and sexual — do any of us hetero females have a chance of tea-bagging President Obama? Don't get me wrong: I want to tea-bag the president for all the right reasons. I'm a supporter. I just want in on any political activity that involves Obama's balls in my mouth.
The Earnest Aspirant
Let's say you were in the West Wing with Barack Obama's sack resting comfortably in your mouth. Perhaps you had done something meritorious — defeated the Somalian pirates, sworn in Sen. Al Franken — and you were being awarded the Presidential Wattle of Freedom. The New York Times might report, "The president of the United States and a Savage Love reader were spotted ‘tea-bagging' in the Oval Office today."
But while you can tea-bag with the president, TEA, you don't have what it takes to administer a tea-bagging to the president. To tea-bag someone, you need a scrotum with which to tea-bag them: The tea-bagger dips sack; a tea-baggee receives dipped sack. It's a little confusing, I realize, in that it's the opposite of a blow job: The person with a dick in his or her mouth is giving the blow job; the person being sucked is receiving the blow job. But language is funny that way.
I'm a 32-year-old, very attractive, very fit SWM living in NYC. I'm well-read and well-spoken. I march to the beat of my own drum. Friends tell me that my personality is intense. It must be true — everyone concurs. I'm extremely idealistic, and I count myself as a romantic. I'm interested in an intense and consuming love affair with a woman. But friends tell me that my approach to courtship and my energy scare women off.
Should I consider counseling to try to tame my personality? Should I just be myself and continue being lonely and misunderstood?
Wild Horses Drag Me Away
You don't give me much to go on, WHDMA. It would help to know, for example, what exactly you're doing — besides being all intensely romantic and extremely idealistic and physically fit and stuff — that scares women off. How does your "intensity" manifest itself? Without that info, it's difficult to whip up some advice for you.
But I can do a little decoding: When friends say "your personality is intense," what they typically mean is "you are an asshole."
Assholes who have friends sometimes conclude that there's something wrong with all the women and/or men on the planet because, hey, I've got friends — and if my friends can stand me, why couldn't my ex-girlfriend(s)? But friending, if I may borrow Facebook's proprietary verb, an asshole is easy; dating an asshole is hard. (Or that's what my boyfriend tells me, anyway.)
A friendship involves a smaller time commitment than a relationship. Not only that, but people who are romantically involved with assholes come in for a higher degree of scrutiny. A person with an asshole friend is regarded as tolerant and/or indulgent and/or foolish. But a person with an asshole boyfriend is viewed as having a character flaw. Or several: lousy taste in men, the wrong kind of masochistic streak, low self-esteem, abuse issues, etc.
So, yeah, you should consider counseling to "tame your personality." Your alleged virtues — extremely intense! extremely romantic! extremely idealistic! — may not themselves be the problem. But if the people living outside your skull have identified them as impediments to your professed romantic goals, then there's something problematic about the way you're expressing them.