I have lived with my boy- friend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual energy of 20-year-olds. Here's the problem: I am overweight (size 18). I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women. You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street. He has begun to make jokes about my weight. This hurts my feelings; he says I'm too sensitive.
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I'm going to take a little stroll down Memory Lane: I once had a "bisexual" boyfriend. He liked to claim that he really wasn't that into men until I came along — I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for him — but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn't that into me or my junk (which is why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked).
And you know what? He made disparaging comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on TV and put me down constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did. He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came out as gay.
A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he's not attracted to, expressly so he can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, is a complete asshole, and my first impulse is to advise you DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But …
You say he's good to you otherwise, does loads for you and fucks you regularly — so let's consider reforming him. Say he's totally into big women, but, like my ex, he's uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about what other people think — including you, as paradoxical as that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his true — possibly fetishistic — feelings for big women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he's not into your body, just hopelessly in love with who you are on the inside — which makes him one of the "good guys," i.e., a guy who isn't so shallow as to let a little thing like your weight come between you.
While I had to dump my "bisexual" boyfriend, a little shock therapy might convince your "fatphobic" boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn't have to put up with his comments, whether they're motivated by shame for his attraction to big fat asses or by a genuine hatred for fat people. Either way, you've got to tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it the fuck off already. Don't be measured, don't wrap it up in "I" statements, no mewling about your feelings. Give him both barrels: "If you don't knock it the fuck off — the asshole comments, the stupid jokes — I'm going to kick your ass out, got it?" A strategic blowup or two should occur — scream, yell, smash a few things you're not all that attached to — when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes or his address does.
When I first met my fiance two years ago, he had the body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he'd gained so much weight. The man I love is encased in that mound somewhere, but it's gotten to the point where I'm glad I'm in a long-distance relationship because it means I don't have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this subtly so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren't you a shallow piece of shit. I mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks?
Just kidding, TBG, I'm totally on your side. While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly, you're under no obligation to marry a man who's in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the pleasure you're expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once we've ejaculated. For years, while fucking my wife, I've told her about how I want to come all over her nipples and then lick it off. She's keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean after I come. However, I've never followed through; I'm simply not turned on anymore at that point and have no desire to do it. Is there a way around this?
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife will have to lead the way. So stop reading, because the rest of this answer is for the wife's eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You're going to have to force him to follow through. The next time he tells you he's going to lick his come off your tits, tell him either he does it or no more pussy. And don't make an idle threat: Don't let him fuck you again until he does it. He'll do it grudgingly, and he'll hate it while he's doing it. But once he's horny again, he'll be so turned on by the thought of what you "forced" him to do that he'll totally "bring it," as the kids were only too recently saying, and fuck the living shit out of firstname.lastname@example.org