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I am a young, straight man – but I have this obsession with male-on-male dino-dragon porn. I don’t get it. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE STRAIGHT! Am I psychotic or what?

Dino Really Are Gonna Overtake Now

You’re not psychotic, DRAGON, just pathetic.

I don’t mean pathetic in the “laughable or contemptible” sense of the word, I mean it in the pitiable sense. You’re one those poor unfortunate souls saddled with an unrealizable sexual fantasy. Beat off to dino-dragon porn as much as you care to – and you clearly care to – but, like a man with a giantess fetish or some dude into boytaurs, you will never meet the object of your peculiar affections in the flesh, scales and tails.

Well, not for at least 50 years or so.

In his newish book Love and Sex with Robots, author David Levy predicts that in five decades or so, people are going to be fucking and falling in love with humanoid sex robots. Levy believes that some people are going to have a problem with the humanoid fuckbots in our future. I disagree. People aren’t going to have a problem with dudes fucking and/or marrying humanoid robots. It’s dudes like DRAGON here – men and women fucking and/or married to dino-dragon robots, robot centaurs, 50-foot-tall female robots and, it pains me to say, kid robots – who are going to freak people the fuck out.

Let me just say this: There’s going to be a lot more to fuckbots than Levy imagines. While Levy foresees fuckbots that can be programmed with voices, eye colors or “particular personality traits” that their owners/mates find sexy, I foresee a future in which every last unrealizable fetish or fantasy is suddenly within the grasp of all – well, not all. The first few generations of fuckbots will most likely be available only to the superwealthy and/or those willing to spend a small fortune on a visit to a robot brothel. But the coming of fuckbots is going to make fantasies that are currently unrealizable for reasons of biology, logistics or morality suddenly very, very realizable. Including yours, DRAGON, if you should be lucky enough to live so long.

As for your supposed-to-be-straightness …

I’ve got a file full of letters from supposed-to-be-straight guys – guys with wives and girlfriends and a passion for pussy – angsting at me about their urge to suck a little cock now and then. Many of these guys prefer to suck cock that isn’t attached to anything recognizably male – e.g., shemales, transvestites, American Idol contestants, et al. – because it somehow makes their gay desires less troubling, less destabilizing, less, you know, gay.

Your passion for male-on-male dino-dragon porn may be motivated by the same subconscious impulse. You don’t want to let go of your supposed straightness but you’re actually turned on by “the cock,” as the kids like to say. And by seeking out porn that features nonhuman males, you don’t have to confront your hunger, however mild, for cock.

I’m a straight woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years. The sex is great, but we recently began to experiment with anal. He enjoys it, he takes his time and warms/lubes me up, but it is still painful. I don’t let on because I know how much he gets off. Any tips for a beginner?

Silently Whimpering

Smoke pot, SW. Don’t break any laws, of course, but if you’re using lots of lube, if he’s going very, very, very slowly at the start, and if you’ve read Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (twice), you might want to smoke a little bit of pot – just a little bit – before you give it another go.

And pot or no pot, SW, you MUST tell your boyfriend that, whatever he’s doing back there, it’s not working for you. THAT’S AN ORDER. Read or reread Taormino’s book, and then try some other positions, more or different lube, longer warm-up sessions, anal-play sessions without any expectations of penetration, and, of course, a consciousness-raising session that involves you doing the boyfriend’s ass with a dildo that’s roughly the same size as his dick.

I am a 23-year-old woman whose boyfriend has a piss fetish (he enjoys it when I urinate into his mouth). While this is not something I find erotic, I have no issue with indulging him. My only problem is that I don’t like to kiss him afterward because of the taste. Is there a tactful way to ask him to brush his teeth afterward without COMPLETELY ruining the mood?

Embarrassed Non-Urine Fan

Seeing as there’s no tactful way to ask someone to piss in your mouth, ENUF, you’re under no obligation to be tactful about asking your boyfriend to brush his damn teeth. Saying, “Go brush your damn teeth, piss-boy, and you better be back here before I decide to eat asparagus at every meal for the rest of my fucking life,” in a low and sexy voice should not only do the trick, it will ensure that his dick is still hard when he gets back.

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