Hey, everybody: I’m taking a week off. Here’s an old column – from May 24, 1995 – to tide you over until my return next week. —Dan
You recently wrote something about people who “are only attracted to amputees.” Well, I have been attracted to female amputees for as long as I can remember. I get very excited when I come across a single-legged girl crutching along or encounter a pretty young woman with an empty sleeve dangling where an arm should be. Do you know of any clubs that cater to such an interest? Are there many others with this attraction, and where can I meet amputees?
My dear old Catholic ma came to visit me from Chicago recently. I bring up my mother not because she’s an amputee, but because it was my mom who taught me everything I know about giving advice. During my formative years, I spent countless hours listening to my mother tell her sisters, her friends and ladies from the parish to get their shit together. They came to her, she told them what she thought, and I drank it in. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I let the ol’ gal have a go at this sex-advice thang. AMP Fan, here’s Mom’s advice for you:
“Go and do some volunteer work at a hospital. Work in a rehabilitation institute for people who’ve lost a limb in a car wreck or something.” Sounds like Ma’s on your side. Did she really mean to say people attracted to amputees should lurk around hospitals? “Well, no, of course not. I just thought he could meet an amputee that way. I guess he’d be volunteering for the wrong reasons, like a pedophile working for the Boy Scouts.” “Or going into the priesthood?” `Icy silence.` “Maybe he should go see a shrink and find out why he’s into this.”
Sound advice. If I may put in my own two cents: Amputee fetishism, while not as common as, say, leather fetishism, isn’t exactly unheard of. While I don’t have any knowledge of organizations for amputees and the folks who love ’em, perhaps someone reading this does and will write in. Meanwhile, what’s to stop you from starting an organization of your own?
I have been living with my boyfriend now for two years. I love him. He is wonderful, honest, kind, and all that. I had an affair recently, told him, and he forgave me.
The problem? I must be one of those people who has a constant wandering eye, and right now I think I am in love/lust with another man. I don’t want to lose my lover, but I know being honest would finish us off this time, so what am I to do? I guess there is a simple solution – confess and move on, but all I want is just to have sex with this other guy. Besides lying or telling the truth or talking about opening our bedroom, which my boyfriend has already objected to, what should I do?
“I think you should be monogamous,” says Mom. “I think everyone should be monogamous.” Why? “I don’t think we were meant to be promiscuous.” Why? “Because we’re supposed to find someone we like and settle down with that person.” Why? “Because that’s what mothers want their kids to do, that’s why. It brings order to the world. Stability. So, in my opinion, you shouldn’t act on your feelings for this man who is not your boyfriend. Not all decisions should be based on how you feel.”
As for your lover: “He sounds very nice and forgiving. Maybe too nice and too forgiving. Forgiveness is important, I’m a forgiving mom, but it sounds like he’s being a doormat. If monogamy is important to him, and you can’t control yourself, then maybe you two aren’t a match.”
I’m mooning over this guy who works in a store up the street from my house. I gave him my number one day, hoping he’d call me, but he hasn’t. He always smiles at me when I come into the store, but … nothing so far. I fell for him because he reminded me of this married guy I’ve been seeing who I think has fallen back in love with his wife. I’m about to give up and become a nun or something. What should I do?
Miserable In Belltown
“Women who date married men are just being used – by men every bit as screwed up as they are,” says Mom. “And that man was probably never out of love with his wife.
“I’m heavily into marital fidelity; I’m supportive of marital fidelity,” Mom continued, sounding like an unannounced Republican presidential hopeful. “I do think it’s possible to have a sexual relationship with a married man and not get hurt,” said Mom, suddenly sounding like a Democratic president, “but you have to know in advance that it’s not going to be anything more than sex. And most healthy people aren’t willing to settle for that.”
As for the boy in the store: “He’s smiling at you to be polite; if he were interested he would’ve called by now. Stop wasting your time being interested in people who aren’t interested in you.”firstname.lastname@example.org