I'm working with Wikipedia, where we're currently debating the "Donkey Punch" (fucking someone in the ass and then punching them hard in the back of the head or neck, so that the sudden pain and/or unconsciousness causes the asshole to constrict spasmodically). Some editors have said the article should specify just how risky and possibly even criminal it is.
A statement about those risks, although we may think it self-evident, must come from a reputable source. And who's more reputable than Dan Savage? So, yes, even though this is a hoax whose risks and fraudulent nature should be readily apparent, and even though the Wikipedia article already quotes your description of it as "a sex act that exists only in the imaginations of adolescent boys," could you spare a few lines to say that punching someone in the back of the head or neck when they're not expecting it can cause horrible damage and may even be criminal?
An Encyclopedia Geek
Who's more reputable than Dan Savage? I can think of a few hundred million people on the North American continent alone. But, hey, so long as my Wikipedia page — which, for the record, I did not author and only found out about when a web-savvy youngster brought it to my attention — features that hyperflattering photo of me, I'm happy to do my part for them.
While attempting your Hot Karls, Icy Mikes or Louisville Pluggers is unlikely to result in injury, death or incarceration, attempting a Donkey Punch can lead to any or all of these unpleasant outcomes. And not only is the Donkey Punch dangerous and likely to land your ass in jail, the damn thing doesn't even work.
"To the best of my knowledge, there is no definitive reflex in the human neurophysiology that induces involuntary tightening of the anal sphincter after receiving blunt-force trauma to the occiput, or back of the head," says Dr. Jeffrey Bahr, a faculty member at the Medical College of Wisconsin. So your lover's asshole is not going to spasm round your dick if you give 'em a Donkey Punch. Your lover could, however, drop dead.
"Trauma to any part of the skull can have serious ramifications," says Dr. Bahr. "A strong enough blow to the back of an unsuspecting person's head could result in a vertebral fracture which, I hope most people know, could cause paralysis or even death."
Does it even need to be said? Attempt a Donkey Punch and it's likely that your asshole will wind up constricting spasmodically — around your cellmate's cock.
I've been with my girlfriend for three years and we often enjoy toe-curling sex. But in order for her to enjoy it, she needs to smoke pot. We've tried sober sex, but it's lukewarm and she doesn't come. Should we be worried about her needing this crutch?
Pretty Reliant On Pot
Google "marijuana," PROP, and wedged in there with the stories about this week's numerous pot busts — so many pot busts, so little trouble buying pot — you'll find this: A study conducted by the reputable Scripps Research Institute in California found that marijuana's active ingredient — tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC — is more effective at preventing Alzheimer's disease than any of the legal drugs on the market today. (It may be too late to save Ronald Reagan, but anyone out there who wants to avoid his diapered fate would be well-advised to smoke up.)
And now it looks like we should add "helps at least one woman out there achieve orgasm" to pot's ever-expanding list of beneficial effects. I would encourage you to regard marijuana with a little less suspicion and a little more gratitude. Look at it this way: If you wind up marrying this woman and spending the rest of your life with her, your wife will never have to fake an orgasm and she'll always know who you are.
Your advice to GREEN, whose boyfriend is a controlling jackass, was so right-on I couldn't control myself.
I had a boyfriend in college who pulled the same crap on me, particularly the moody silent treatment when I glanced in the direction of another guy. Dan, you did not paint too bleak a picture. My ex turned me into a nervous wreck. It was like living in a minefield, never knowing when some unintentional misstep would cause an explosion.
GREEN, dumping the bastard will accomplish two things: It will teach him that he can't treat people like shit and it will help you build up your self-respect. You will look back years from now, from the comfort of a happy and mutually respectful relationship, and be very grateful that you DTMFA'd that guy.
Girl Got Out
Regarding GREEN: First bad advice ever, Dan.
My advice to GREEN: Best ever, or totally suck-shit? An absolutely massive sampling of the mail — including lots of letters from men who were involved with women who used jealousy as a weapon — can be read at www.thestranger.com/savage/green.
To Savage Love readers everywhere: Wanna become a Savage Love listener? My very first podcasts are ready to download at www.thestranger.com/savagelove. If you want to record a question for a future podcast, call (206) 201-2720. And, no, that's not a toll-free number, bitches. Deal.email@example.com