I am about to marry a caring and intelligent man, an amazing lover, a total stud, beyond well-endowed, someone who "gets" me. Here's the problem: I have a ferocious sex drive, to the point where three to five times a day is good and more is better. The beauty of our relationship is he has an appetite to match. Despite my sublime satisfaction … I love toys. I like them for when he's gone on business and also to use with him. This never seemed to be a big deal, but the other day he freaked out and said he doesn't want me to buy them anymore.
I feel like his request is TOTALLY off base. I'm 100 percent monogamous and the idea of being with anyone else sickens me, but a toy is a toy! Where is this coming from?
Blushing Anonymous Bride
So you're getting married to an amazing man with a massive cock.
How nice for you. How nice for everyone.
Just one little problem: He doesn't want you to slap away at yourself with sex toys. Actually, two little problems: I also don't give a shit.
I'm sorry, BAB, but you've caught me in a foul mood. I'm just not up for dropping everything and crafting a response that offers you some insight into your fiance's insecurities, goes on to emphasize that getting married shouldn't have to mean sacrificing your sexual autonomy (unless that turns you on), then winds things up with a stirring mini-sermon about the necessity of compromise in any long-term relationship.
I just can't be bothered today.
You see, state supreme courts in New York and Washington handed down blatantly bigoted rulings against gay marriage in July, and I'm kind of pissed at the fact that you get to marry your big-dicked boyfriend but I can't marry mine. And it doesn't help that the decisions were so fucking stupid, either.
After decades of being told that gay people were unfit for marriage because our relationships are unstable, the supremes in New York ruled that marriage can be reserved solely for straights because, really, it's actually straight relationships that are "all too often casual or temporary"! (Were they reading my mail?) The supremes in Washington ruled that since only straights have children then, by golly, only straights should be allowed to marry! Gay couples and gay couples with kids? Fuck 'em! Straight people who are infertile, unwilling to have kids or too old to have kids? They get in on a heterotechnicality!
Look, I hope the fiance calms down about your toys, something he might do if you give him some measure of control over them (let him pick out toys for you; swear to use no toy that's bigger than his mighty dick), but that's really the best I can do for you this week.
I'm a gay Roman Catholic. Some of my Catholic friends are a bit awkward about it, but by and large it's my non-Catholic gay friends who have the biggest beef. As far as many of them are concerned, the money I put into the collection basket is going to some sort of Anti-Gay Civil Liberties Union.
I take my religion seriously, but I'm not a fundamentalist: I don't take something as gospel just because a man in a dress in Rome says it is. Please remind people that many gay men are deeply religious and happy about it. We don't need our fellow fags diagnosing us as secretly self-loathing, so much as we we need their support and respect.
Gay Roman Catholic
You can't resent other gay men — saner gay men — for thinking that you might take as gospel every morsel of crap that falls from the thin lips of that "man in a dress in Rome," GRC. The Catholic Church has been busily "reimposing doctrinal discipline," as they say, ever since JPII plopped his clenched butt down on the Throne of Peter. So while it's nifty that you don't believe being Catholic means signing off on every idiot thing the pope says, the head of your church disagrees with you.
And I'm sorry, but the money you put in the collection plate does fund, in part, what amounts to an Anti-Gay Civil Liberties Union. It's only natural that your non-Catholic gay friends would be curious about how you reconcile your Catholicism with your Cocksuckism. If you want to get pissy at anyone, get pissy at all those religious leaders, whether they're practicing Catholics or hell-bound heretics, who have worked so hard to make religiosity and sexual freedom seem like mutually exclusive phenomena.
In last week's column you used the term Official Discussion, or OD, to describe the conversation where a couple sits down and discusses their couplehood. I'm writing to tell you that a good term for that conversation already exists: DTR, which stands for "define the relationship." Usage: "I thought we were just going to hang out, but then she turned it into a DTR." It can be a verb, too: "I need to DTR her and find out what's what."
This term is widespread at — are you ready for this? — Brigham Young University. I was surprised when I moved away to discover that the term isn't widely used by everyone. It's quite handy, and surely it doesn't only apply to young heterosexual Mormons.
Abbreviations Are Awesome
I agree, AAA: DTR is in every way superior to OD. Thanks for bringing it to my email@example.com