Assuming that this holiday season is finally time to give up the threadbare ghost that the yuletide requires pesky charity and goodwill to man – and that gratuitous bleats of “Me! Me! Me!” are actually endearing and not annoying at all – it may well be time to stroke your indulgences and remember that you are indeed the only living thing that matters in this world.
The veritable bible of such personal pricelessness lands yearly in the pearl-lined mailboxes of the incredibly fortunate in the form of the Neiman Marcus “Christmas Book,” and on this particular year the mail-order operation for those who can’t and shouldn’t be bothered to leave the house to procure their Marc Jacobs “Marc” metallic leather watches ($225) or Prada “Linea Rossa” tennis shoes ($995) is celebrating its centennial. How divine!
Of course watches and shoes are but fodder for the nouveau riche who can only hope that the word Chanel can blot out their inner loft-living misery; the real cash Kringle comes in the Christmas Book’s Fantasy Gifts section. It’s the playground of the so-wealthy-they’ll-soon-be-dead set, and – as the catalog’s editor is quick to point out – all of the items are absolutely real, and people really do buy them. People like you, darling.
For the incredibly ostentatious, more-than-well-to-do sci-fi heir – perhaps a Rowling – there’s the impractical impressiveness of a 100-foot-long Dragon Topiary ($35,000). Just think what your homeowners association might have to say about a giant fictional reptile blocking the sun from their precious orchids. (In fact, the caption reads, “Imagine Jones’s face when he putters out on his riding mower ….”) A sure sign that you’ve lost the plot and reason enough for the family to send more money.
Another fabulous option – this one of the his-and-hers variety, perhaps a good bet for keeping that gay affair deeper in the closet – is the 60-inch-by-48-inch couples’ portrait painted by New York artist Vik Muniz and crafted completely in Bosco chocolate syrup ($110,000). Then again, chocolate syrup may be a big gay giveaway. Scratch that (literally).
For those into lofty pursuits who have taken just enough of their anti-depressants and Ambien to imagine that they are indeed a lofty pursuit – or, namely, a butterfly – Neiman’s offers the Papalotzin Ultralight ($80,000). The 420-pound aircraft was created by butterfly enthusiast Vico Gutierrez in the shape of a giant monarch butterfly so that he might fly 3,000 miles with the butterflies on one of their recent Canada-Mexico migrations. Along with the price of the aircraft comes a chance to join Gutierrez on his next crazy migration, which will be filmed for a documentary. Mariah Carey may or may not magically appear.
Chief among this year’s lunatic offerings, though, is the NM Gem Triton 1000 Submarine ($1,440,000), a personal submersion device with acrylic-bubble 360-degree views and three-axis maneuverability via gem-encrusted joystick (with matching gemstone key chain!). When the stock market drops, so will you!
Just don’t forget your Henry Dunay “Bull & Bear” yellow gold cufflinks ($6,700) to remind you of life’s volatility. You can come back up after Christmas. Maybe.email@example.com