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"Sympathy Canuck"



Now that George W. Bush has been officially elected, single, sexy, American liberals – already a threatened species – will be desperate to escape. These lonely, afraid (did we mention really hot?) progressives will need a safe haven. You can help. Open your heart, and your home. Marry an American. Legions of Canadians have already pledged to sacrifice their singlehood to save our Southern neighbours from four more years of cowboy conservatism.
— Home page,, Nov. 5, 2004

Name: Stephen A. Schneider
Area of residence: Winter Park, FL
Prefer relocation to: Rear cocktail lounge, Chateau Frontenac, Quebec City
Age: 39
Marital status: Single (Duh!)
Relationship history: Unsuccessful, bordering on "apocalyptic"
Political outlook: Progressive

(If you answered "progressive," proceed to the next section. If you answered "conservative, " "compassionate conservative" or "centrist clinic bomber," please redirect your browser to )

How would you rate your personal "hotness" (on a scale of 1-10)? 7.4
What sources did you consult to arrive at the above rating? Female relatives over age 48, pals from instant-messaging community, long-term debtors
What are your hobbies/interests? Ice hockey, extracting sap from trees, debating geopolitics over Molson Ultra
How many Rush CDs do you currently own? 0
If your answer was less than five, would you be willing to purchase an additional two or three to smooth your integration into the Canadian mainstream? Sure
Would you be willing to do the same thing in the case of The Tragically Hip? Let's not make any rash moves just yet
How did you feel when you saw Bowling for Columbine and learned that Canada is a peaceful, enlightened nation? (Acceptable answers include "moved," "inspired," "allured" and "green with envy") Tantalized
How many guns do you currently own? 1.5, including Super Soaker
If your answer was more than 0, would you be willing to trade in your remaining firearms for CDs by Rush or The Tragically Hip? Yes; no (respectively)

(The following information is not mandatory, but providing it will increase your chances of a match with the single Canadian who's just right for you)

What is your occupation? Print journalist
How well would your work skills meet the needs of Canadian society? Just fine, thanks
Based on your U.S. work experience, what sort of Canadian firm(s) would you feel best equipped to join? Children's-book publisher; public-relations firm specializing in candidates for small-town school boards; loan-shark operation
How would you describe the quality of the healthcare coverage you enjoy at your present place of business – excellent, good, fair or poor? Medieval
Which activities would you willingly engage in to join a Canadian healthcare program – marathon cunnilingus, public relations or ice fishing? Ice fishing while performing marathon cunnilingus on The Tragically Hip
Which distinctly Canadian characteristics would you find most difficult to accept in a potential spouse – underdeveloped fashion sense, latent superiority complex or the tendency to sound buffoonish when enunciating hard "r" sounds? Weird but uncontrollable Dudley Do-Right fetish

(Please write a brief essay telling us why you're interested in hooking up with a sexy Canadian single for good times and good citizenship.)

For a while now, American girls just haven't done it for me. As far as I can tell, the feeling began when I first set eyes on Katherine Harris, reached crisis levels when the Bush twins addressed the RNC and turned into a genuine malaise shortly before noon on Wednesday, Nov. 3. Ever wake up knowing that you just need a change? That's what I've been going through recently. Nothing would make me happier than settling down with a nice Canadian girl who likes to tear into a healthy dinner of stuffed whale breast and maple candy, then cuddle by the fireplace in a cozy little cabin located hundreds of miles from the nearest nuclear target.

Come to think of it, I guess I've always had a soft spot for the Canadian way of life. I can trace it all the way back to middle school, when I used to stay up hours past my bedtime to watch SCTV. (How is John Candy these days, anyway? When you see him, please tell him for me that he's a funny, funny man.) Over the years, my admiration for your culture only grew, until I realized that I would never be completely fulfilled until I pulled up stakes and made a future for myself with a strapping, socially responsible lassie from Montreal. Or Edmonton. Or Saskatchewan. Or wherever.

Oh, I know that Canada's not Utopia. Last I looked, you were dangerously close to a couple of red states. So what? That's what border patrols are for. And I've heard it can get mighty cold during your winters – cold enough to freeze the Labatt in a young man's veins. But that's where the U.S. can actually take pride in something for a change. Down here, we've been taking pains to correct the disparity between our societies. We're hard at work on a program that will spread the principles of fairness and egalitarianism all across the North American continent. It's called global warming, and it's going to make us all equals sooner or later. In the meantime, please put me in immediate contact with any Canuck chick who's willing to save my bacon.