You know, it's really annoying when a basic law of nature is repeatedly broken. And by this I mean the immutable "LAW OF FAME." I can't remember who came up with it probably Einstein but it goes something like this: "Everyone is famous for 15 minutes … after that we beat the shit out of you."
Or something like that. My point is there are far too many reality stars turning their 15 minutes into 16, 17 and sometimes even 18 minutes and 6 seconds! AND THAT AIN'T RIGHT! (Let's ignore the fact I've been doing this column for years, and while I'm certainly not "famous famous," I do use my prestige to score an enormous amount of ass.)
Now I'm not counting the Henry Winklers, John Schneiders and Lynda Carters of the world who have clawed their way back up the entertainment ladder. I'm talking about the blink-and-you'd-miss-'em stars of reality television who were given their 15 minutes and keep coming back like that oozing sore on my lip. For example, former reality stars keep popping up on The Amazing Race, The Surreal Life, Dancing With the Stars and what about American Idol's Clay Aiken? That asshole's more popular than Jesus and he didn't even WIN.
And get a load of this! There are two new shows featuring reality stars who long ago should've been given the heave-ho. First there's Kill Reality (E!, 10 p.m. Monday), a reality show about former reality stars who have been cast in a horror movie written by a former reality star. Don't worry! It gets more confusing! The cameras follow these has-beens on a five-week film shoot, where they are forced to do something they've never been able to successfully accomplish: ACT.
Just to update the score, Kill Reality makes the FOURTH reality show for Real World alumna Trishelle, who seems intent on cementing her reputation as the drunkiest slut since Lushy McHootchieson, owner of the loosest cootie west of the Mississippi. (P.S. Unfortunately for viewers, none of the Kill Reality cast were actually killed during the making of this show.)
This week brings us the debut of Battle of the Network Reality Stars (Bravo, 9 p.m. Aug. 17) a so-called "homage" to the deliciously cheesy '70s show Battle of the Network Stars. In the original, TV heroes such as macho shithead Robert Conrad (Black Sheep Squadron) and Jewfro-ed comedian Gabe Kaplan (Welcome Back, Kotter) led teams of network stars in a variety of contests. And though it was really just an excuse to see Adrienne Barbeau run the hundred-yard dash without a bra, or WKRP's Gary Sandy's sausage crammed into an extremely tiny pair of gym shorts, the show set a kitschy standard that's impossible to replicate. But on the upside, the new Battle of the Network Reality Stars features classic celebrity referees such as The Incredible Hulk's Lou Ferrigno who's deaf and thanking God he won't have to listen to these crybaby no-talents bitch and moan.
So get with the laws of physics, people! Reality show stars are allowed 15 minutes AND THAT'S IT! After that, they'll have to start earning their ass the old-fashioned way by writing a TV column!
Report all infractions against natural law to … firstname.lastname@example.org
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TOOB
THURSDAY, AUGUST 4
9 p.m. NBC THE LAW FIRM
Things get kinky when the lawyers represent a dominatrix. (That's violating the penal code! HAW!!)
10 p.m. FX STARVED
Debut! Good buzz surrounds this new sitcom about four New Yorkers with eating disorders.
10:30 p.m. FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA
Debut! I've heard next to nothing about this one. Maybe it's funny, though. (Penal code! GET IT?!?)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 5
7 p.m. SCIFI FIREFLY
Mal and the gang rob an intergalactic train in the return of this terrific Joss Whedon space opera.
10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Civil war is brewing after Tigh declares martial law. (MAW! Git me my squirrel rifle!)
SATURDAY, AUGUST 6
9 p.m. E! KILL REALITY
The reality stars bitch and moan about doing a nude scene. Funny, I didn't think whores had a problem with nudity.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 7
9 p.m. HBO SIX FEET UNDER
After Nate was shockingly killed off last week, the family gathers for the funeral.
10 p.m. SHOW QUEER AS FOLK
Series finale! Don't miss the final episode of the most queer-tastic show ever.
MONDAY, AUGUST 8
11:30 p.m. COM TOO LATE WITH ADAM CAROLLA
Debut! A new late-night gabfest starring The Man Show's resident meathead, Adam Carolla.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 9
10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME
After his kidnapping scheme falls apart, Tommy turns to his imaginary Christ pal for help.
10:30 p.m. COM STELLA
To escape the rigors of doing absolutely nothing, David, Michael and Michael decide to go camping.
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10
9 p.m. BRAVO BATTLE OF THE NETWORK REALITY STARS
Debut! Teams of reality retards battle it out for no apparent reason. Maybe one of them will break a leg?
10 p.m. FX OVER THERE
An Iraqi prisoner is ruthlessly tortured in the feel-good show of the year!