Welcome, comrade. Come in, you don't have to be shy. The myth of the Invisible Hand of the Market has been exposed. The people will embrace our message of social responsibility and shared wealth this time.
This isn't even new territory for Orlando. This town has long been the recipient of socialist benefits. During Comrade Roosevelt's tenure, the Works Progress Administration was very active in Central Florida. This Bolshevik endeavor built the Citrus Bowl and established parks, boardwalks and quarries. And before him, the WPA gave us the Municipal Auditorium, which we now know as the Bob Carr. See? Being red doesn't hurt.
But this time, we should not build entertaining distractions. While the majority smokes the masses' opiates and prays an imaginary fat man will give them what they want, we will be the men and women in red suits who give them what they truly need.
The most pressing need in our town is a train. The proletariat must be transported, and a train ride will give them time to read and converse with neighbors, creating a symbiotic relationship between labor, community and education. Plus traffic around here bites Russian bear balls.
Mr. Justin Sutton's Interstate Traveler would be ideal (see "The Future Is … Now?," Nov. 22, 2007). Sutton's train, dubbed the "Hydrogen Super Highway," not only provides transport, but also power. The track is lined with solar panels and powered through electrolysis, generating energy and pure water for the happiness of the people.
Of course, Sutton insists this could be paid for with private funding and would generate additional revenue for the affected counties. But I say we shun the capitalist pig dog's public-private merger and build it ourselves. Otherwise, they will want to charge us between five and 10 cents per minute we ride. At top speeds of 350 mph, that's almost nothing, but still.
We also need food. We must start a program of donating land for community agriculture, and the most efficient use of these lands would be mandala gardens, as laid out in Linda Woodrow's Permaculture Home Garden. Woodrow's design consists of seven separate small gardens laid out in a circle, each one bearing seasonal vegetables and fruits for roughly two weeks before being hoed and fertilized by chickens and then prepared for the next cycle. Seven such arrangements (49 mini-gardens) is enough for one family to stay fed and make a living on the excess. Forty-two of these could provide for huge populations.
Now if only there were a piece of land that could support 42 of these gardens (60 feet in diameter) located in a traditionally impoverished area. Perhaps a certain plot of land now being developed to build a sports arena primarily to benefit a billionaire would suffice, both physically and metaphorically. I'm sure we'll be able to think of something.
And last, we must embark upon construction of an orgydome. What? Oh, do you have a better idea than Orgydome? I thought not.
- TEXAS TURKEY TIME - Bob Whitby
- IRRATIONAL EXHUBERANCE - Jessica Bryce Young
- THE HAT IS THE ANSWER - Justin Strout
- LETTER FROM A BRIDGE - Deanna Morey
- THE DECEMBER REVOLUTION - T.I. Fraser
- I'LL BE FLOATING ABOVE YOUR HEAD - Billy Manes
- I, BITTER - Jeffrey C. Billman
- SILENT NIGHTS - Lindy Shepherd
- HOLIDAY CALENDAR 2008