Frankly, we're tired of hearing down-on-their-luck malcontents complain that there are no jobs in greater Orlando. No good jobs, sure, but no jobs? That's something else again. In an effort to get the unemployed back into the workforce and racking up the credit-card debt, Dog Playing Poker is launching this helpful new feature, in which we'll periodically profile some career paths the desperate should consider when searching for work. And if anybody actually lands a job off of this, the Sterno party is on them.
Job: Fetal guardian
Average salary: $35,000/year
Job description: On the whole, Central Florida is a pretty nice place to live. But every once in a while, an 80-year-old man forcibly impregnates a severely retarded 22-year-old woman with cerebral palsy and seizure disorder. That's when you go into action. As the fetus' state-appointed guardian, you are charged with the sacred duty of protecting its health, welfare and viability. From early in the morning until late at night, you must do everything within your power to guide this unborn symbol of God's love toward the wonderland of opportunity its life will doubtlessly be.
Duties/responsibilities: Engaging the fetus in skillÃbuilding games of Chutes & Ladders; reading aloud to it from ill-gotten copies of "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix;" starting a college fund; pruning pro-choice activists from baby-shower invitation lists.
Pitfalls of the job: May be unconstitutional.
Perks: You pretty much get to dominate every conversation.
Job: Legislative P.I.
Average salary: $50,000/year
Job description: As a fully trained and licensed investigator working the state-legislature beat, you will find yourself in hot pursuit of our Democratic lawmakers should they ever elect to follow the example of their Texas counterparts and go on the lam.
Duties/responsibilities: Maintaining comprehensive files on all Dem representatives (including head shot, fingerprint and list of known aliases); networking with stoolies on the Georgia and Louisiana borders; sweating information from sultry blond congressional aides whose "gams [go] up, up, up all the way, until they reach the place where a fella's best intentions turn to melted butter."
Pitfalls of the job: Do we even have any Democratic legislators? Divining an answer could eat up all of your man hours.
Perks: Fedora discount; unlimited use of Jeep Cherokee.
Job: Lou Pearlman body double
Average salary: $60,000/year
and all the Bloomin' Onions you can eat!
Job description: It worked for Saddam (we think), so why not dispatch a battalion of lookalikes to confuse the murderously disgruntled former business associates of the reviled kiddie-pop impresario?
Duties/responsibilities: Successful candidates must submit to a rigorous program of behavior modification and glucose injections in order to effectively impersonate the music industry's biggest (no kiddin') target. Once their makeovers are complete, doubles will be required to appear in Big Poppa's stead at the intimate press conferences, mall christenings and other nonevents that define his professional calendar.
Pitfalls of the job: Reread above entry: You have to go through life looking like Lou Pearlman.
Perks: Bulletproof lobster bib; one (1) free ride per month in TransCon blimp; access to the season's hottest big-and-tall fashions before they hit retail shelves.
Job: Tub boy
Average salary: $20,000/year (plus tips)
Job description: At the crossroads of affirmative action and exploitation resides this 21st-century calling, a masculine spin on a job popularized by the ladies. In a nutshell, you strip down to your boxers and dispense bottles of cheap beer to the horndogs and damsels who frequent this week's hottest "New Orleans-style" nightspot.
Duties/responsibilities: Simple math; creative bottle-cap removal; maximizing the suggestive potential of the phrase "comin' right up."
Pitfalls of the job: Sexual harassment; alcoholism; recurring bouts of self-loathing; scurvy.
Perks: Play your cards right, and you may catch the eye of a promising young filmmaker who has a short in the works at UCF, VCC or Full Sail.
Still not convinced that the life of a wage slave knows no shame? Just take a gander at this list of JOBS THAT SUCK Aloe taster · Cicada wrangler · Ventriloquist's muse · Designated diarrhetic · Suicide tobogganer · Courtroom Etch-a-Sketch artist Homeless-shelter concierge · Fight coordinator for "The Vagina Monologues" · GameBoy installer · Church-picnic pyrotechnician Real-estate novelist (job leaves no time for a wife) · Roadside arms dealer · Skee-ball caddy