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THE TONGUE OF ROCK

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And here's another thing I don't like about kids! `If you're just joining us, Wm.™ Steven Humphrey has been ranting about children for the past two and a half days. We join his rant, already in progress. –Editor` Since when did KIDS start dictating how adults should behave? When I was growing up, I was only allowed to join an adult conversation if I was able to speak and act like an adult. These days, kids are whipping around adult cocktail parties riding skateboards, wearing Hawaiian shirts and screaming, "Cowabunga to the EXTREME, assholes!"

      I'm telling you, it's all Whitney Houston's fault! The minute she sang "I believe that children are our future," kids were suddenly given carte blanche to become back-talking smarty-pantses. I wasn't ANYBODY'S "future" when I was growing up – in fact, if the money for my mom's abortion had come through, I would've been the "anti-future."

      AND ANOTHER THING! Kids today are given opportunities I never dreamed of as a child. Example? Today I saw a 4-year-old wearing an actual LEATHER JACKET!  Okay … What the FAWK?!? When I was four, I was lucky if my diaper wasn't dripping with gravy! And dig this: While I had to wait until I was 16 to begin wasting my life as a member of a rock & roll band (Ricky Hitler and the Face Punch Five, perhaps you've heard of us?), kids no older than 8 or 9 are now allowed to attend the famous School of Rock, the Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls, and are even featured on a new reality show entitled Gene Simmons' Rock School (debuting Friday, Aug. 19, at 11 p.m. on VH1). Please tell me – other than crapping their pants and growing pubic hair, what did they do to deserve this?

      You may remember Gene Simmons as the �re-spitting, blood-dribbling, obscene-tongue-waggling bassist from the heavy-metal-pop band KISS. Well, in this reality show, Gene is sent to an uptight British prep school to teach prim and proper limey children how to RAWK. Easier said than done, especially since these Little Lord Fauntleroys wear uniforms, march around in processions and study classical music exclusively. The job gets even more difficult when Gene has to whittle down the class in order to put together a band, which by the end of the semester is scheduled to be the opening act for hard-rock legends Motšrhead, playing for more than 5,000 screaming metal freaks who eat little English biscuits like these kids for lunch!

      The show also explores how the hard-shagging Simmons adjusts to a school where everyone including the headmaster has sticks firmly wedged in their bums. Will Gene be able to teach these ponces how to rock? Will the band be able to write and record their songs in time for the big concert? And will someone please tell this pervert to keep his huge, icky tongue inside his mouth?

      Find out the answers to these and other questions in this week's debut of Gene Simmons' Rock School. And as for that well-dressed, leather-jacket wearing 4-year-old brat? You may be "the future," but in about 10 minutes I'm gonna whip that ass.

      Tongues and kids don't mix.

steve@portlandmercury.com

This week on the boob toob

THURSDAY, AUGUST 18

9:30 COM COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST: PAMELA ANDERSON

Comedians spend an hour making fun of Pamela Anderson, which is the comedy equivalent of cow-tipping.

10:30 FX IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

The gang stumbles onto a new way of making money for the bar – serving underage patrons!

11:00 BRAVO HIDDEN HOWIE

Debut! Annoying comic Howie Mandel stars in this sitcom/prank show where he, surprisingly, annoys people.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 19

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

President Roslin is forced to put her trust in sexy Cylon robot Boomer.

11:00 VH1 GENE SIMMONS' ROCK SCHOOL

Debut! Gene meets the English prissy-pots he's supposed to turn into a heavy metal band.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 20

9:00 SPIKE THE ART OF ACTION

A documentary on how ancient martial arts have been transformed into modern-day movie chop socky!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 21

9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER

Series Finale! The final episode of the award-winning series, and rest assured, the shit will hit the fan!

10:15 HBO ENTOURAGE

Scared of a sinking Aquaman, the studio tries to break up Vince and his drippy gal-pal, Mandy Moore.

MONDAY, AUGUST 22

10:00 TLC FACE EATING TUMOR

Unfortunately, this is about doctors who remove the world's largest facial tumor – not a tumor who goes around eating faces.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 23

9:00 NBC TOMMY LEE GOES TO COLLEGE

Dumb-as-a-stump Tommy sweats some upcoming exams in this surprisingly charming series.

9:30 NBC THE OFFICE

Michael nearly turns an interoffice basketball game into a race war.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24

8:00 FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?

The contestants are whittled down to 14, which means this show may finally become interesting.

9:00 BRAVO BATTLE OF THE NETWORK

REALITY STARS

Reality has-beens battle it out – on and off the playing field – in this stupidly entertaining game show.


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