Let me tell you what's stupid about Star Trek. (I know, I know … kicking a show that's been canceled is like challenging a quadruple amputee to a break-dancing competition. But what can I say? I'm an awesome break dancer.) Star Trek is stupid because they barely ever have sex. Yes, blowing the shit out of aliens is fun, but if I were on Star Trek, I'd be banging every moon doll in sight (as well as the occasional Centaurian beefcake … 'cuz that's the way I SWING, yo!).
And then after I've banged everybody onboard including the ugly-ass Klingons I'd slip into the holodeck and dream up some new booty to bang. Jessica Alba? BANG! Mrs. Young, my fourth-grade teacher? BANG! David Hasselhoff (pre-Baywatch)? BANG! The Bush twins in bed with the Olsen twins? BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! See? On the holodeck, the banging potential is endless … and you don't even have to get them drunk! And yet on Star Trek, 90 percent of the sweet ass in outer space goes to waste. It's a goddamn travesty, I tell ya!
That's why Star Trek is wack and the new version of Battlestar Galactica is the crack! Based on the crappy show from the '70s, the updated Galactica is starting its second popular season at 10 p.m. Friday, July 15, on the Sci-Fi Channel. And while most space operas feature sexless drips and four-eyed nerds hopping around the cosmos, Battlestar Galactica keeps it dirty, real, and most importantly, SEXY.
In this version, legions of uppity Cylon robots are invented to serve the people of the planet Kobol. However, after a botched uprising, these buckets of bolts learn to evolve becoming more devious than ever. They're faster, sleeker, stronger and can even imitate humans to a tee (including emotional and sexual response … BANG!). Their goal? To make mincemeat out of all humankind. But even after nuking the shit out of the planet, 50,000 humans escape on the starship Galactica, desperately searching for a habitable place called "Earth." (OH, GREAT! More foreigners stealing our jobs!)
Anyway, in an attempt to trick the humans, the Cylons have cloned some of their sexier members to infiltrate the Galactica crew. This includes the blond hottie "Number Six" (a foxy "10" if you ask me), and Boomer, a Galactica pilot who excels in dropping the "boom" on her shipmates. But for those who require more out of their TV viewing than just knocking space boots, Battlestar Galactica is a gripping, realistic and dark look at how it only takes a few well-intentioned people to destroy a civilization. On the Galactica, loyalties and friendships are tested, beloved characters are killed, and burgeoning governments are destroyed by suspicion meanwhile, the Cylons have only one goal: Kill 'em all.
Want to learn more? Then get your geek on with the Battlestar Galactica miniseries, currently out on DVD, and the complete first season of BSG hitting the shelves on July 26. And don't miss the second season opener this Friday! Remember: In space, no one can hear you scream. So have all the sex you want! Bang! Bang, bang, bang, BANG!
THIS WEEK ON THE BOOB TUBE
THURSDAY, JULY 14
8 p.m. MTV USHER LIVE
Catch this live concert featuring hip-hop's most lovably skanky performer!
9 p.m. ABC HOOKING UP
Debut! A five-part reality series that documents the trials and tribulations of 12 women searching for love online.
FRIDAY, JULY 15
10 p.m. SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Season Premiere! Adama is shot, Prez Roslin is in the hoosegow and a civil war is imminent. So let's have sex!
SATURDAY, JULY 16
8 p.m. ABC THE PRINCESS DIARIES (movie)
(2001) A gawky, pimply teen turns into a beautiful, graceful princess. Hey, just like me!
9 p.m. TOON JUSTICE LEAGUE UNLIMITED
Brainiac opens up a can of superpowered whup-ass, leaving the League without leadership.
SUNDAY, JULY 17
8:30 p.m. FOX THE PRINCES OF MALIBU
Though obviously staged, check out this "reality" show about a couple of spoiled beefcakes driving their stepdad ba-zonkers.
10 p.m. HBO ENTOURAGE
Vince and the gang head to Sundance to woo James Cameron and bang a few snow hookers.
MONDAY, JULY 18
9 p.m. FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The contestants have 15 minutes to make something edible out of leftovers in Chef RamsayÃ?s hilariously cruel kitchen.
1 a.m. GSN KENNY VS. SPENNY
Two pals compete in the most humiliating and funny challenges ever!
TUESDAY, JULY 19
10 p.m. FX RESCUE ME
Drunk and abrasive Tommy struggles with a new and utterly confounding concept: sensitivity.
10 p.m. GSN EXTREME DODGEBALL
Season premiere! It's a whole new season of ball-bustin' fun but don't forget your cup.
WEDNESDAY, JULY 20
8 p.m. FOX SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE
Debut! It's like American Idol, except for people who have cerebral palsy.
10 p.m. FX 30 DAYS
Season finale! To demonstrate the evils of alcohol, a mom spends 30 days binge-drinking with her college-age kids. Whoo! Whoo! Mom's doing a keg-stand!