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"This is my life, bitches"

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I'm a writer, which means I have to know a little bit about a lot of things. Fortunately, I'm a writer for Orlando Weekly, which means the things I "know" don't necessarily have to be true. Is there really a sinkhole in Seminole County that can swallow more per hour than Kirstie Alley? Did Patty Sheehan actually play Juan Perón in the touring company of Evita? I honestly can't say for sure. And if you read my column every week, you won't be able to swear to any of it, either.

Facts, schmacts. We all know that what really matters in today's crazy world is opinions. And I've got more of those little babies than Denny's has whites-only water fountains. For example, I prefer anarchy to anchovies any day of the week. Blind date or identity theft? Hey, no contest. And if I had to choose between the Olsen twins, I'd take whichever one is best at swallowing a condom filled with high-grade heroin and sweet-talking her way through customs. In a New York minute.

If it's shoot-from-the-hip pronouncements like those that you're after, look no further than my award-winning* column. There are no sacred cows grazing in these here pastures … just biting commentary that's beholden only to itself. Opinions? I shit 'em!

Oh, and there's another thing you can expect out of me: honest-to-goodness profanity. Forget the namby-pamby, implied stuff. You'll get plenty of that from those other writers - the ones you'll find fronting for publications that are always trying to get their grasping, leathery claws on the youth demographic. Know what? I don't blame them one bit. They have actual careers to worry about. And bills to pay. And a far more advanced ability to weigh the tangible costs of midlife potty mouth.

Not me. There's no amount of unpaid homeowner's insurance that can stop me from shouting "fuckface" in a crowded theater when I feel like it. If it's "ass bandit" I mean, it's "ass bandit" I'll say. And our world will be the better for it. Or at least mine will.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: The inside of my brain is a wonderland of limitless fascination. And nobody finds it more fascinating than me. Some people say this weekly forum of mine is a veritable shrine to self-indulgence. To those people, I say: "Thanks, boss! I sure do appreciate the vote of confidence!"

See, other columnists will try to kid you, the gullible reader, that their every word is crafted with your intellectual needs in mind. I'd never do that to you. My column for Orlando Weekly is about me - my sense of humor, my emotional underdevelopment, my transparent attempts to get my own mug in the paper while stabbing dear old friends in the back.

And you? You're just along for the ride. Try not to play with the radio. I have the presets exactly where I want them.

So pick me up every Wednesday. If you don't, I'll still tell all your friends that you did.

See you after the sex ads!

dpp-steve-sigjpg

Steve Schneider,

Orlando Weekly columnist

World-class HUMOR

Trenchant CRITIQUE

Racial PROFILING

* Award results pending

Pick up a fresh Orlando Weekly every Wednesday … and grab a hold of Steve Schneider's column. You never know what you'll catch.


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