Thornton Park Putt N' Crawl

When: Sat., July 18, 3 p.m. 2015

Let’s face it, yuppies: Golf sucks. Quietly trudging through the Florida heat while trying to knock a tiny ball into a tiny hole hundreds of yards away and repeating the process 17 more times is, as Mark Twain said, “a good walk spoiled.” The only redeeming part of the trip is having beer delivered to you on a cart. Putt-putt golf (or “miniature” golf, if you’re fancy), on the other hand, is the best: all the satisfaction of golf with significantly reduced crotch sweat. The only problem is that most putt-putt courses don’t serve booze. The Thornton Park District fixes that by combining putt-putt with a pub crawl. Nine participating bars design and build their own holes, giving you the chance to get a drink at every hole. Pick up your scorecards from the Abbey, but leave the golf carts at home. We’re hoping for elaborately themed constructions – a volcano hole at Aku Aku, a Saran wrap and blood-themed hole at Dexter’s – but we’ll be happy with a Tigerfucker or a bloody mary to make all the ball jokes we’ll hear along the course seem funnier. – TM

Price: $25-$30