APPLICATION FOR SCHOOL VOUCHER
Name: John Henry Hahn
Current school: Jubilation T. Cornpone Middle School, Orlando, FL
Request transfer to: Indiana University, Bloomington, IN
Reason(s) for request: Um, my school has like, totally failed to keep pace with my educational needs, or something. At least that's what the state says, because they hit us with an "F." They said it was because our history book ends with a chapter called "Our New Friend, Steam." But it's also because this place is way crowded. There's 72 kids in my homeroom alone. And we don't even have real classrooms. I live in a trailer, I go to school in a trailer. I need something to break up the monotony.
I was just going to stick it out, until somebody told me that being in an "F" school in Florida means you can get out while the getting is good. I figured I'd shoot for Indiana, since the Princeton Review just named it the number one party school in the country, and being on the top of any list is really like getting an "A" when you think about it. It'll be nice to go with a winner for a change.
At Indiana, I'm looking forward to getting a superior education, improving my cultural awareness and maybe even pledging a bitchin' frat. It's like my older brother says: If you want to get ahead in the business world, you're going to have to know how to drink beer through a funnel. (He goes to UMass on a scholarship. Right now, he's on academic probation. More later.)
Intended course of study: Public relations, maybe poetry
References (state relationship to you): Clarence T. Holland (pastor); Raymond "Ray-Ray" Anderson (neighborhood pharmaceuticals distributor)
Favorite works of literature: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban; The Catcher in the Rye; Girls Gone Wild!
Extracurricular activities you intend to pursue: Lacrosse, Tekken 3
Additional comments: Look, I know I'm a long shot for Bloomington. But it can't hurt, right? The old college try? Ha-ha. (They say you're supposed to let your personality come through in these applications.) Most kids who get vouchers are wanting to stay in the same grade, only at a private school. But a lot of those places are religious, and my dad says he won't let some nun try to teach me that the Apostle Paul discovered radium.
Some people say I'm shallow to want to go to Indiana just because it made the top of some party list. Hey, at least it made me want to stay in school, and that's more encouragement than I'm getting around here.
I already feel like I'm kinda cut out for Indiana, anyway. I heard that the poll they won was called "irresponsible" and "unscientific" by the American Medical Association, and I get told I'm irresponsible all the time. Plus, you want to know what else is unscientific? My science class.
But I guess it could be worse. There's this little kid on my block who goes to Mollie Ray Elementary, and they make him wear a T-shirt that says "F=Fantastic!" It's supposed to build his self-esteem, but he knows it just makes him look like a dumbass. It's like coming home from camp with the award for "Best Hug Giver." They should just tattoo "'TARD" on your forehead.
Things here are getting weird even when I'm not in school. I was at Target a few weeks ago, and guess who I saw in the checkout line? My teacher, buying a bunch of chalk and crap. I thought the school paid for all that. Guess not, 'cause she kept looking through her pocketbook, over and over again, like she was out of money. She looked really upset. It freaked me out so bad that I totally forgot to throw anything at her.
You've got to get me out of here, so I don't have to see stuff like that anymore. I hope I hear from you soon.
P.S.: Oh, and there's another thing. Everybody at my school just wants to talk about stupid Britney, and I'm way into The Vines.