Not every little boy and girl in Orlando should be classified as "good." They don't want to be. For some the cookie-fed Santa syndrome — the cruel bait-and-switch of it all — generates only unnecessary anxiety. Their needs will not be quelled by a Wii or the cataloging of 60 gigs of their lives into this year's iPod. They want something extralegal, dammit. And, with a little luck, they're bound to get it this year.
If someone like that is on your list, you may be wondering: How much will it cost? As a public service, we'll try and answer that question.
Orlando's black-market booty isn't hard to come by; you just have to linger in all the wrong places. But Christmas on the wrong side of the tracks isn't cheap, in monetary terms or in jail time if you're caught. Lt. Pam Miller, the Orlando Police Department's Undercover Drug Investigations Section commander, deals with contraband every day, monitoring drugs, vice, prescription fraud and parcel interdiction. With Florida ranking second nationally in violent crime, according to the Drug Enforcement Administration, and seizures of more than 10,508 kilos of cocaine alone last year, the supply side is taken care of.
Miller is quick to point out that street prices of drugs can be extremely varied based on who you know and purity, but she did provide a medium range for some of the season's unmentionables. She says prices have remained consistent over the years though, frugal derelicts, so you needn't break (or rob) the bank this yuletide. You just need to break the law. Which you should never do.
Dreaming of a white Christmas? According to Miller, a gram of cocaine on O-Town's streets costs $50-$60, and that's including the flour, baking soda or baby laxative with which it has been stomped. An eight-ball, or just over three grams of powdered regret, averages $125. You may not need a nap until June!
For the darker set, or for atheists with seasonal affective disorder, a gram of heroin is currently netting about $120 around here, although most sales are in some fraction thereof. Nothing says, "I hate you, mom, I always have!" like pinpoint pupils and an inability to urinate. Happy dozing!
With snow comes the promise of snowballs and the fights they inspire. To that end, two-tenths of a gram of crack cocaine can be had for a mere $20. Roast these chestnuts on an open fire and let the sociopathic panic begin! Turn off that Johnny Mathis!
Why not give the gift that keeps on giving! A meth lab kit can be easily assembled from common (and yummy!) ingredients like drain cleaner, ether engine starter, nail polish, pseudoephedrine and gas treatment. We're not going to tell you how to whip up a batch; that's what the Internet is for. You're probably better off chasing that Christmas dragon right through to New Years with an everlasting gram of methamphetamine, locally available for about $80-$100.
Too much red this holiday? An ounce of green marijuana will set you back about $100. It may also get you laughed at. "We haven't bought an ounce in some time," chuckles Miller. "We generally buy in pounds." In order to keep up with fuzz, splurge for a generous one-pound stash — for the Boxing Day sales, of course, and your lazy friends with surfboards — at $1,600.
Most doctors are in Vail for the holiday, and even if they were at your disposal they'd probably check your prescription wish list twice before even considering gifting you with your desired medication. Happily, the street can be both your friend and your doctor. What did you get the street for Christmas? OxyContin (or "poor man's heroin") isn't really for poor people at all, it turns out. Each milligram costs $1, and most available are in the 20mg-40mg range. Painkilling morphine follows in expense at $10-$15 per pill. Hydrocodone, for the tooth you broke on that fruitcake, commands $5-$10 a pill, while Xanax (or Alprazolam) can take the edge off at just $1-$3 a pill. Nöel, Nöel! You don't have to feel anything on Christmas.
Santa says it wouldn't be Christmas without some hookers. For the stuffing of a different kind of stocking, you could choose an escort service, which will average $350 just to get them to the door. Lt. Miller says the bells and whistles could set you back $900. For those not so snooty or discriminating, a blow job from a common street hooker (male or female) averages $20-$25. The full Christmas enchilada, as tradition would have it, commands the ever-presentable $100 bill. Keep your chimney clean, ladies!
And finally, for the ultimate revenge on your homophobic Uncle Butch — remember the time he screwed you in the closet and then called you a faggot at dinner? — a fully automatic rifle should rat-tat-tat his ass all the way back to the manger in no time flat. And it's only $700 on the street. Sure, you'll probably get sent to jail, but given the rest of your list, you probably should be there anyway. By next December, you'll be home for Christmas in the big house! Happy holidays, ghetto firstname.lastname@example.org