Sometimes life is hard. An unexpected toothache or the proverbial thorn in the side is just about enough to force you not only to throw in that towel, but to jump under it and cry.
So you can imagine my chagrin, and my toothache, at the prospect of the phone call I'm receiving. Two Nokia rings and I'm already running for the razor drawer. Oh, what the hell. Let's get this over with.
"Pauly Shore, how the hell are you?"
Ick. "I can't believe I'm talking to Pauly Shore!" I seethe with irony.
"I know. I'm like a loser." He catches my drift.
"No, you're a legend!"
"Oh, a legend. Sorry."
More niceties follow, each of precisely one dull syllable followed by a shameful "bro," and I begin to sink into indifference. Turns out that Pauly Shore is exactly what I hate about humanity in general: smug and talent-free.
Images of weasels infest my headspace as I'm forced into a silent recreation of Shore's signature mouth noise, something involving a lip, a tongue and lots of hair. But Pauly's not got much hair these days, and the signature noises and buffoonery have faded into a darker, meaner (although impotent) resolve. Pity.
"Get it together, bro," he taunts me when I, for whatever reason (complete and utter indifference) forget the exact date of his Orlando invasion. Frankly,
I can't be bothered. Methinks most other thinking types would agree. When are you coming? In 1992? Whatever. On with the show.
The comedy show, that is.
"I'm very talkable," he talks perhaps too much. "I mean I talk about personal stuff, and I talk about sex with the female species, sex with the male species. I'm not doing that version."
"You know, I talk about everything." he talks, talks, then talks. "It opens up with stuff like, y'know, Arnold Schwarzenegger being our governor in California. It's very funny, umm, obviously."
Obvious is always funny. Trust me.
"The voters spoke. I could have probably ran second," he rans. "If you look at the popularity at the box office. I could have came in second next to, like, Gary Coleman and a porno star."
Wait a minute. Let's get back to the box-office issue. "Encino Man" hardly counts as a box-office classic. But then, California is really stupid.
So is Pauly's latest idea for a film: "You'll Never Wiez in This Town Again." It's a pseudo-documentary involving a list of cameos that would be lucky to appear in this column.
"What made you do it?" I crumble in desperation.
I laugh, tellingly, at this revelation, which kind of makes me an asshole.
"The weasel thing I did for a long time was very successful," he overestimates. "It was kind of who I was back then. So I wanted to make fun of it, y'know, kinda let it go. Almost like 'Kill Bill,' but kill Wiez. But in a funny way, not in a serious way. Y'know, everyone knows me as the Weasel, and 'buddy,' and all that stuff, and I wanted to kinda, y'know, make fun of it, y'know. And then pack it full of lots of celebrities. It'll be one of those things when it comes out on DVD and TV, people are just gonna trip out."
Somewhere in the middle of all of this, I'm tripping out at the number of times one person can say, "y'know." Am I talking to a liar? Am I talking to Kato Kaelin? Awesome.
"The movie works as a movie, and it's just got so many familiar faces in it."
Familiar, too, is always funny.
"It was one of those things I'll look back on and go, 'Wow, I can't believe I pulled that off.'"
Wow, me neither. "I can't imagine anybody doesn't know who Pauly Shore is," I layer it on. "I can imagine that has to be alternately great and awful."
"Yeah, I think more great, though."
He shouldn't think.
I begin to dig deep into Pauly's mind, while I'm cleaning out the soot from under my toenails, and quiz him as to what it is that he's burning it all up for. Like, what's life like after the Wiez, y'know?
"Well the good thing about the Wiez was that it was a showcase for my talent. Y'know, in the movie, I wrote it, I directed it, I starred in it, I financed it. I did like every asset, assssset, how do you say that word?"
"Aspect. That'll make sense. If I want to cast myself as producer and try to rally up some talent on some kind of film, I can do that."
You can do anything if you set your mind to it, or something.
"Or direct. If I want to do more straight acting, I can do that."
At this point, Pauly starts screaming at his dogs. They're barking because a tree is being cut down. This is so pedestrian. Throw me that towel.
"Hello? Sorry, my neighbor's cutting down this tree right now."
Pretty soon, Pauly's place is going to be on "MTV Cribs," he informs me. So you can look for the dogs, but no weasels. Surprisingly, he had no girls cavorting for the shoot. Surprising for sure.
"I always thought that the Wiez was a little dark,"
I fall over myself. "Do you think that was lost on people?"
"Yeah, probably. But that's great. That gives me a chance to show that side soon."
"Well, unfortunately I haven't found my partner in life yet. I'm just bored of all of these models and actresses with head shots."
"You don't sound very happy, Pauly,"
I crack myself up.
"I just woke up."
And I just died.