Say what you will about Orlando Weekly, but we know when we're licked. For some time now, we've tried to stay one step ahead of the Noelle Bush situation, analyzing her soap opera of cocaine and courts with the razor-sharp irreverence that only professional satire can provide. It isn't always easy: There are only so many ways to say, "coddled, irredeemable dope monkey," and even less that work as song lyrics.
This week, we had planned to up the ante by publishing a freewheeling little piece that compared the governor's daughter to a drug-sniffing dog at Orlando International Airport. A damn funny screed it was, too; we're certain you would have enjoyed it. But then Noelle was sentenced to another 10-day jail stretch for indirect contempt of court -- a mild punishment indeed, considering that she had narrowly avoided a felony charge for possession of crack cocaine -- and we started to get cold feet about the whole business. With new developments in the already farcical Noelle saga coming almost every day, how could a humble weekly newspaper ever hope to keep up?
In his sentencing remarks, Judge Reginald Whitehead advised, "You have to learn from your mistake. This is a great opportunity for yourself to see if you can do well." We've learned an invaluable lesson, too: No matter how low you set the lowest common denominator, Noelle Bush will find a way to limbo under it.
That's why we've elected to shelve this week's regularly scheduled column -- which, if we haven't already mentioned, was a freakin' gut-buster -- and shift the satirical responsibility to you. In lieu of a full, carefully thought-out essay, we're giving you a bare-bones summary of Noelle's latest day in court and asking you to come up with the vital details that'll make it absolutely sparkle.
The procedure is similar to that of a popular party game: Fill in the relevant nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs and other parts of speech, using only your creativity -- and perhaps a pharmaceuticals catalog -- as your guide. Do it solo, or grab some friends and make a Saturday night of it.
In the spirit of Judge Whitehead's seemingly boundless good will, we're trusting you not to cheat in any way.
Download the Crack Libs, print it up and mail it to us along with your name, address and phone number:
c/o Orlando Weekly
111 W. Jefferson St., Suite 200
Orlando, FL 32801
The author of the best entry will be rewarded with a fabulous Orlando Music Awards T-shirt. And if the winning story is stellar enough, we may publish it in a future issue. (Notice we said "may." Like the Bush family itself, we promise nothing, and thus reserve the right to deliver same.)
Now, make like Noelle and get cracking!